Ruby Wax - The Fight With Depression, My Thoughts & Have I Just Fallen In Love With Lentils?
It is FRIDAY and I only have five days until America - oh boy. The stress is overwhelming, so much to do so little time. Matthew is constantly on the phone remembering things we have to sort that we have forgotten all about - it just seems endless. I can't wait to have got through the stress of security (HATE security) I ALWAYS buzz and get stopped, I have no idea why as I never normally only have like leggings on and a random t-shirt then you have people going through with hats on and layers and layers and don't get stopped! Baffles me. I wouldn't say or hope I don't look like a criminal. Though I guess that's the key - people who look normal may be more likely to be 'uncover'. However I CAN'T WAIT for this stress to be over and to be able to enjoy the holiday. The packing needs completing, technical things need finishing off and the house needs cleaning too - its just never ending.
Never enough hours.
I just wanted to bring up today a little bit more about the 'mood' side of life.
Last month my Mum went to see Ruby Wax in Lancaster, she was so impressed with how Ruby spoke about her depression and mindfulness (I wish I had gone really) that she bought me the book back. Now with my migraines I am struggling to read and watch the TV right now- but I found some of her video's on YouTube that she had posted to go alongside the book - so I thought I would listen to what she was saying on YouTube so I didn't have to focus so much as well as follow it through the book but again I wouldn't have to focus on hard reading as I would be listening too. It worked well. With all the stress of being very ill with a virus last month, my migraines being so awful and having 34 injections into my head, my book editing and launch and all the work I have put into the marketing side, the stress of going away - getting everything set and wanting to click my fingers and feel better. I felt that yesterday I really needed to listen to Ruby and gain some advice maybe to help me through this period. There was one quote I really want to share with you that really hit me and I related to. 'Pain is pain, but suffering is a choice.'
This to me is so true! Earlier this week after my injections my Mum was like everyone else always suffers and is in bed for two days. Yes I can TOTALLY understand - the pain is hell. However laying in bed, thinking about how much pain you are in just makes things worse. I had things that needed to be done - I had my book to edit to hit my release date and we had all these documents to get sorted for America, I didn't have time to sit in bed and feel sorry for myself, dwelling on the pain. It doesn't mean I didn't/don't feel the pain - of course I do I have been breaking down all week, however being someone who lives with chronic pain and has done for the past eight years now I have learnt how to deal with pain and how I can't let it hold me back and let it defeat me. This means I do push myself - which isn't always the best thing and Mama does get mad at me for it (it is something I am continuously working on) - because like yesterday I did literally crash and burn, as I hadn't stopped. I had done too much, I literally collapsed on Wednesday night and was very ill and physically and mentally actually couldn't do anything - I was forced to do nothing yesterday I was totally wiped out. Which KILLED ME.. so I spent the day working on marketing ideas and exploring Ruby Wax. As I simply can't not do ANYTHING, I am not a lazy person and I have to feel productive. This day out was needed - but today I am panicking feeling like I have lost valuable time with everything I have to get done right now. Though the quote above I feel I relate to a lot. I feel I work so hard everyday to prevent being defeated by what I am faced with. I don't accept failure well. I always strive to be better- I don't settle and never will. I know a lot of people don't see this in me - they just think I am a tad ill, my pain isn't 'that bad' because I am still active etc, I am fine because I smile etc, etc.
And people can judge - I have to accept that.
Though the fact of the matter is everyday I make my choices; I will wake up and feel like hell- I won't have slept well, may have been up being sick or wake up with a migraine BUT I get up! I may not want to - but I do! When we travel Matthew will watch me struggle getting showered and changed due to how I am feeling but then we will walk out of the hotel room and I put my smile on and face the day.
I may be struggling with my chronic pain but that doesn't mean I spend 4 days in bed hoping it subsides (it is chronic pain it is here to stay so you HAVE to find a way to deal with it) I try to keep moving a bit - little walks so then my stomach doesn't tighten up making the pain worse and allowing it to spread. I may be falling apart inside but I'll always show kindness to you and give you a smile. I won't push my issues on you, they are mine and I will deal with them.
I don't feel worthy, so I try to help someone or create something - cooking a dish, colouring a picture, that nobody could do like I have. I have lost so much of myself recently due to allergies- but do I sit here taking in bad food, supplements and artificial products because that is the easiest option waiting around for people to 'help' because I won't put in the effort myself, NO - I have done my own research and am feeding my body well. I always used to wake up in the mornings unmotivated, now I am up when the sunrises making the most of the day because I am eating the right foods it is making me feel good inside and out. (Banana buzzed.) These are just a few examples of how 'I' make these choices everyday. Sure the easy option is to stay in bed, watch TV and just laze around hoping some miracle will hit you and make everything ok. It isn't going to happen - you have to work hard to gain success, there isn't any 'quick fixes' or 'short cuts' in life. My Mum sometimes says to me that it is ok to break down etc so people see the pain you are actually going through because yes I know and understand that putting my brave face on and acting like I am fine and some superwoman makes me look Ok and people think - 'well what is wrong?' But this approach that I am and have adapted to my life is how I get through life- it's my personality, it's ME. I fight on, I don't accept negatives I try to make them positives. I adapt- maybe slowly at times but I try to make the changes for the better. With my depression this is truly, truly hard I can tell you. I just wanted to share this with you - because Ruby in my eyes is correct. Pain is pain, but we have a choice on how we let it effect us and how we deal with it. You have a choice to play the victim or fight it and make something out of it. Don't allow anything to hold you back. This is the whole message of the plant-based lifestyle too- you only get ONE life we have to live it to the fullest and try to find happiness where ever possible!! No matter how hard the journey/fight may seem we have to take it on as the results may be so amazing and we can't afford to miss out on that possibility.
So just some fighting talk there for the weekend and ensure you surround yourself with good vibes, I hope you have a good one - celebrating the Queen's 90th too.
Let's get cooking - remember the #sophantastic and hope you are all checking out my book :) just head straight over the Amazon and type in the title. Love and peace and let's fight on xo
I just wanted to show you my lunch today and my mid-morning snack. Mid-morning was dragon fruit a Thai favourite but I wouldn't personally pick it over over fruits and lunch WELL I am not the biggest lentils fan at all but adapted this recipe and I LOVED IT, really, really enjoyed it- sweet zesty, refreshing and so filling! Think I may be guilty of falling in love with lentils! Also thinking of trying another Thai dish tonight - so I'll keep you updated on that one if I do cook it.