Packing Ready For A Week In Breakspear.
How does time fly?
How does it fly - how is it that my two week break from Breakspear is now drawing to a close.
So what's the next step? What have you been doing over the last two weeks? You may be asking & wondering.
The last two weeks have not been plain sailing.
On my return home almost two weeks ago I was drained and so happy to be home. I was ready for a few lazier days and then to feel more 'with it' , 'back on it.'
This is yet to happen. I have been feeling truly exhausted. Truly. My energy levels have been really low and I haven't been feeling myself. My nausea levels have been high and my stomach has been been feeling off. I have also been struggling with my elbow, wrists, ankles and spine aching like crazy. Luckily for me I have also been suffering from a new symptom of burning down the left side of my neck and lower head with the feeling of bugs crawling under my skin. It's driving me insane.
It makes me feel awful when people ask if I am feeling better and I sit here tearing up wondering how to keep coping. For years and more I feel like I am always keeping going telling myself 'I have that appointment at the end of the week.' 'I am seeing that consultant next week.' Like those appointments or treatments will work miracles and I will wake up fixed.
It's a long road. That to come to terms with is SO hard.
If I had been told at the start of all this a decade ago you have a long road ahead - I would have burst into tears and wondered / questioned if I had the strength to fight and travel along the road to reach the end.
Ten years on, exhausted, your hopes & faith have been knocked and yet here you are. You have gained the strength, adapted and fight on every single day. Though hearing that 'long road' diagnosis is ever more daunting. Your body just wants a break.
Unfortunately it's not like having the flu or a stomach like most of you may expect it to be like. A few good nights sleep and a few tablets - you will be good to go.
I know that recently due to treatment I may have seen more lazy than normal. More time in bed, less house jobs been done, less socialising etc. Before starting treatment I relied on getting out of the house even for one hour to keep me sane now I don't really have that desire. To be fair I can't even remember what day it is let alone any plans.
For years and years - day after day I fought through. Kept to the routine, making sure I got up, all on the to do list got taken care of so that I was seen to be 'just fine' and normal. Now, the treatment is forcing me to have to take a step back, accept help, accept rest and accept being more disorganised than I like to be. This isn't sitting comfortably with me but as always I always try to make light out of any negative or tough situtation. ( not saying this is a negative thing resting up but for my mind likes to think it is which is what I am working to ignore ). It's all hit me like a tonne of bricks, lately.
I will always smile, laugh & talk when out socialising. I will pull myself together .. its that professional trait that is a massive part of me that causes me to do the above automatically. I don't want to pull people down, be the negative vibes. I have enough negativity in my life already, when I am out and around people I want to feel the buzz of life, the enjoyment and happiness. It's tiring being smiley and sitting in front on you trying so hard for the mask not to crack. Pain taking over you and pain in your eyes.
This leads you to tire quickly and after a few hours you feel like you have done a 24 hour shift at work. Though this buzz of life is my main drug, I need regular doses of it to keep me motivated and sane. Keep reminding me why I fight so hard for life.
I plan, or make plans with my loved ones to receive this dose to keep me going, have something to get excited about and look forward to.
These little things help so much.
They may seem silly to most of you - but yes just sitting in a pub with my nearest and dearest, seeing everyone laugh, catching up and enjoying the company. Brings me so much motivation and a feeling of more contentment.
I am lucky to see some of my closest friends & family later. To remind me on the gloomiest days they can make me smile and laugh. I am so lucky to have their support.
They tell you the hardest times in your life is when you realise where your true bonds, friendships and support really lie. This is so true. It's often the people you thought you could most rely on aren't there and others really surprise you.
I am truly thankful. Truly grateful.
Am I ready for another week of treatment?
Knowing the results no matter the horrible symptoms and side effects I have to experience lead me to that one step closer to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. That's what I have to keep in mind. That is what I must use to keep motivated.
Knowing I have Mama bear by my side is amazing a huge advantage and knowing I can come home to see all my awesome friends will be what I keeps me going and will be the pot of gold at the end of this week's rainbow.
I will blog and try and keep up with my mini treatment blog journey. However I am unsure how I will be reacting and how unwell I will or won't be to be able to committing to daily blog.
Thank you for reading 📖.
I hope you enjoy my treatment journey blogs and thank you for all the support I receive on a daily basis. It is what keeps me going and reading the comments I receive & my Mum receives just make me truly thankful.
You help me to keep cleaning my sword and fighting.
Love and peace