A Damning Year
What’s happened - so much,yet so little.
This week and this period in time is hard. I am finding it evermore a struggle to be accepting of my life, my illness and my situtation.
I am not ungrateful for the year I have had but it’s wasn’t one I truly hoped and wanted for myself.
I am exhausted, overwhelmed and unsatisfied. Feelings I can’t shake off.
I am constantly, constantly looking for ways to help people, help myself, work and raise awareness. It’s so frustrating when you just can’t function as you used to. Getting up and dressed is a massive deal. It makes me so sad.
I used to be an elite athlete. Now look at me.
From last year - I have been diagnosed, am 10kg heavier, have tackled Government, helped many, felt like a cat with 9 lives, felt trapped, felt unsafe and being faced with horrible situtations and choices.
I have overcome all the trials I’ve been faced with, yet for me these facts don’t count as successes. They were simply life. I’m not reaching the goals I have always dreamed of. I am 24 in the prime of my life. Yet going for a drink in a pub with friends for a few hours knocks me back two or three days. I watch my life just go by. Clock watching to just get through the day.
It breaks my heart.
I cling onto life- a life that has tried to shut the door on me.
You feel a drain, an annoyance and someone people ‘has counted out of the game.’ Unable to bring anything to the lives or anything they want anymore.
Accepting others moving on and living whilst you battle the hours in the day and live a life so reduced is a hard pill to swallow. Somehow I always adapt and get through everything but sometimes the scars are far deeper than we first believed.
The way my life has become has left me feeling sad, numb and unforgiving. I try so hard to be positivite all the time and laugh off a lot of my pain. It doesn’t mean I am not hurting or affected.
Knowing a cure is a very long time off, one may not be found in my life time is also hard to accept and why raising awareness, acceptance from professionals and prevention methods is what we fight for.
I could never fully explain the pain from the year that has passed. Somehow I am still here but for me that simply isn’t enough.
Each day I work to succeed in someway and serve a purpose.
In many ways I wish I could blackout the last 12 months. I would never want to relive them. Yet many events did occur where I experienced joy & gained lots of memories I will forever cherish.
For the next 12 months?
I am so, so scared. How much more pain and bullets can I take. I know I am stronger than what I give myself credit for but even the strongest warriors become exhausted, face massive defeats.
Trapped in a life that was as a teenager my biggest fear. Now faced with years facing this fear and accepting my situation. Trying to make peace.
My illness has taken pretty much everything from me.. I cling to my heart now. My last hope to keep me-me.
I cling to the hope of going back to the place that sparked my travelling hobby- Washington DC.
Thank you Cuba for the memories we created with you in March 2017. You challenged me but thank you so much for the fun memories and amazing time spent with my parents and best friends.
We pick up our weapons once more.