A Wet Wednesday, I Have A Dream
Rain, rain, go away - come back never.
I have had to take a few days break from my blog, I have been feeling fragile let’s just say the last few days and with it being Easter I have been busy seeing friends and family.
I thought today I should really getting grinding and get my bum in gear.
Yesterday after the bank holiday madness, injections, family fun and girl time with Mama eating lots of carbohydrates and sugars throughout and of course the full moon. Yesterday I just wanted to die. It was a day I didn’t want to live through. My body was beyond weak, movement made my head pressure immense and I just felt so sick. I couldn’t do ANYTHING. I tried to sleep it off, and was ultra lazy on the sofa all day! I couldn’t even colour. Those days are the absolute worse. I knew I had a lot of work commitments on too.
The Lyme admin team needed my help, with people taking time off with ill health and others on family trips, more than ever they needed my help and I was just zombified. I decline the job of doing the newsletter, I just don’t have the skills, energy and time to be able to do the job properly. It’s upset me but I have to realise I can’t do everything!
Arielle and I were working on our collaboration blog ( which is coming ) she too emailed me this afternoon asking for an extension because she has been suffering badly. ( full moon ) fun!
We are in the process of getting the tickets sorted ready for selling for our murder mystery night.
We have booked our trip to London for the Lyme protest in May.
I’ve been doing lots of snappy uplifting campaign notices today for the Wake Up To Lyme campaign.
And I need to produce and film the effects of Lyme on me and my loved ones. For a university study.
The list is a fun and good list but getting into the zone when you really just want to be sick is hard.
Last night I went to the cinema and had my natural Goodie Goodstuff sweets and the refined sugar - oh boy! I was burning last night and feeling so sick. My joints were on fire, in pain. The crawling in my head was bad too. I didn’t sleep well. I had a sore throat and did consider going to get a mint tea in the middle of night because I felt so rough.
All I am craving is bread, sugar and chocolate. I know it’s because the bacteria are requiring the glucose. It’s so hard and frustrating.
I’m proud of the work I have done today, but it’s exhausted me.
I have fun events with friends and family coming up and I really just want to live for me. Not have to worry about flipping carbs and sugar. Everyone else gets to live. I miss that.
I don’t think I am the only one when I say that many of us are feeling depressed at the moment, whether it’s due to the weather, cold, ill health or general life circumstances.
I always push myself and days when my head feels a little less foggy I try hard to put stepping stones in place so on the bad days I can still find worth and purpose. It’s incredibly difficult. We are faced with disappointment, set backs, judgments and sadness across the board. We have to look to our role models. Like Martin Lurther King who is worth a special mention today with it being 50 years since he was tragically killed. He, like we do as Lyme warriors fought hard for a cause that at one point seemed to have no victory or result. They were dismissed, ignored, treated poorly and judged, as we are. He is a perfect example of how hard work, being brave and fighting hard in the end can bring victory. It may not be an instant win and we, personally may not enjoy the end result but the legancy he left has helped so many in the generations that have come after him. That is what we inspire to work towards.
I look at myself, annoyed that I am not physically strong especially as I used to be and not always as mentally strong as I would like to be. With hard work and always giving my best though is worth so much more and what really makes me strong. Lifting 50kg weights can’t give you that kind of strength and won’t protect you from the pain chronic illness brings.
The strength I have makes me feared by others because I will push the barriers down they place infront on me. I will challenge the path they pave out for me. I don’t settle, I don’t sit in silence and I don’t follow their rules.
They are quick to dismiss me because they can’t take or care to understand something and someone who seems alien to them and doesn’t follow the book.
I get upset because I don’t have a partner who is by my side in my struggle. Yet, I am proof that even as a woman I have the strength to battle hard everyday. A fact I shouldn’t be upset about but be proud. A process I need to work on.
We must take inspiration for our greatest heroes, rest and accept the bad days but really make a difference on our better days.
We can be strong, so strong that the weaker fear our mission and try to dampen our work, drive and motivation.
Don’t let them.