How can you explain or express pain when it covers your whole body.
Inside and outside.
Aching, throbbing, stabbing and so on. You feel crazy and question if you can and can’t pull through for the day.
You are worried what people think.
You worry about what you say / what you have said.
You if you showed to much pain and weakness.
You hold on to the you that you were but you haven’t seen or felt her for a while so it’s all a little alien to you and really you don’t know if you are handling yourself correctly or as the normal Sophie Ward.
It’s a constant worry to me. Often coming home from events and becoming a paranoid worrier to my Mum questioning my actions and words.
I hate what this disease turns me into at times, let alone what it does for my body.
It can make me short fused, emotional, impulsive and angry. Far from the happy-go lucky, bubbly and little Miss Giggles I used to be. The girl people loved.
The disease and illness is already so isolating and lonely that you feel you can’t afford to upset people or push people away because you let the pain and illness take over and they don’t like the person they now find themselves around.
How can you dress, look in the mirror and fool the masses?
Praying nobody picks up the differences or questions you.
As soon as people question you, you question yourself. Which leads to mental torture and self-blame.
People wonder why I can’t just go with the flow. Why can’t I just make last minute arrangements - this is why. It doesn’t just take a lot of preparation of getting clothes ready. Do they need to be light clothes if my body is aching, is the clothing warm and food, have I managed to eat and so on. But the mental preparation. Painting on the brave to hide battle wounds. That in itself takes so much time and energy. That is why I can’t do last minute.
Time changes are also emotional triggers but you might not just be quite ready yet and so then you feel rushed and flustered. If you have to wait you then begin building up the worrying, overthinking and questioning whether you can do the event or not. This is extremely detrimental because the self blame game begins again.
We reach a point where we can’t hide the pain and suffering anymore from the world. You then have to have the strength to accept the situation and be more open, so then people can try to understand and realise you can’t be on your top game all the time.
I still struggle with this physically and emotionally and still have a long way to go.
I just have to learn and grow into the body I seem to be continually at war with. The journey of healing and self discovery.
That takes times and will be a lesson in which will be advancing all the time. As life goes on, age and symptoms change. Maybe I should count myself lucky. I am being forced to overcome immense pain and heartache. That will only help ease the blow of harsh occurrences to come. I will have to armour and know exactly how to react and what to do.
Everything hurts - can you tell?