Grab The Coffee It’s Monday
Normally I am upbeat and ready for the week, but not today. Lack of sleep and stomach upsets has left my throat sore which makes it hard to swallow, a tummy that hates me and feeling fatigued. Maybe my busy schedule is to blame. On the other hand, it could just be my body.
Over the last few days I have felt very cold. As the outside temperature drops as it does when it suddenly rises, it really throws me off.
My symptoms in different ways flare up. My knee joints were red raw and covered in a red rash last night and of course I hadn't done anything really yesterday. I definitely hadn't been sliding on the floor on my knees to cause the redness. Still, we just take it as normal now. You try to work out what triggers what symptoms but its a roulette game - you never know quite what you are going to get. Some you can understand the triggers, like my throat is nearly always oil, without a doubt but when it comes to rashes, stiff joints and endless pain, it's hard to pinpoint the causes.
I partly think I am feeling a little down today as I did yesterday. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. So amazing and I have been powering through with work and keeping up with everything that I knew my health was being affected but ignored a lot of the warning signs. I say, over and over that I won't allow my health to take over my life. So I am guilty for being naughty at times and lying about my feelings, flare up's and pain so I can continue living as much as I can. Powering through however, can only last so long and here we are - the brick wall. RIGHT NOW. Feeling like I have been hit by a bus, then rolled over time and time again.
I have found myself in a place I hate.
The place of constant worry and overthinking.
When pain hits and tiredness takes over you, you become irritated and angry. This progresses into anger about the position you are in. Why can't everything just be perfect and how you hoped to be?
Why do you have to be so different, so difficult to handle?
Why at 24 don't you feel confident in a bikini or have a body of a 20 odd year old for a start!!
Why can't you enjoy endless sun and not be affected?
Why will my holiday have to be paced and organised to keep my symptoms at bay, with a first aid kit the size of the suitcase because who knows what symptoms I may get.
You lie there, wanting to cry. This was not like you thought it would be. You knew it wouldn't be easy but you dreamed the miracle would happen. As the weeks rolled on, I got more excited about jumping on the plane, still believing an over night miracle would occur so that I could live the dream holiday.
Always feeling invincible and never learning from past experiences.
The same happen at my brother's 21st and my Dad's 60th, I wanted to be in a better place medically and I just wasn't. It depressed me - I won't lie because these are serious life moments that really I am lucky to be a part of and so I want them to be the best they can be and for to enjoy every moment.
Instead I end up fussing over outfits, laughing through tears, pacing the evening, craving the food on everyone's plate and try to keep talking sense, always worrying your mind will jump and you will say something beyond stupid.
Now, reality is hitting hard.
Your head comes out of the clouds and you crash and burn.
I have to try my hardest to get into the mindset that I can make the best of it. I may be walking around in trousers rather than short skirts but it doesn't mean I can't look glam.
I still have the sun, the pool and the sea which I can enjoy and take a swim ( I can just about still swim. ) I think the biggest tasks for me will be:
* Self & body confidence
*Resisting food... there is going to be everything in my wildest dreams and I won't be
able to enjoy the amazing desserts I used to love, the PIZZAS, the pastas! ARGH! The agony. I can't explain.
It's silly to worry about these things I know because there isn't a miracle even if I believed there was one and I can't change the situation, so worrying is of no benefit, but it's a habit I can't break.
I worry so much about losing, this sounds rather arrogant, but I don't mean it in that way. Chronic illness and serious diseases such as Lyme make you really grateful for every moment and so every moment you get you realise how precious it truly is. Who knows if it will come around again, and even if it does you may not be as fit and well as you are now.
Just in a few years, I saw my health decline dramatically, out of my control. I may be able to have a little dance, walk around the markets and enjoy some sun now, but I don't know what lies ahead for me. The sun may not want to be my friend and suddenly become my enemy, making me unwell. Causing trips to hot places to be a no-go. THAT WOULD KILL ME.
The point is, I worry because I care.
I know now how life really can be lost so quickly and without question. I know that I am not lucky in many ways to be battling as I do, have a body like I do and so on but I am SO, SO lucky in many ways.
I know that perfection is a myth, I say it time and time again here but it doesn't mean that I don't dream about life being a little easier to enjoy.
I want to make the best of the time I have and in the condition I am.
I am super positive and try to always seek the silver lining, but it doesn't mean I don't mourn loss - loss of body confidence, food, health, friends and so on. It's only natural and even though I act as if I am invincible - I am perfect proof of I AM NOT.
That is why, I have to be open here, I know many of you will feel the same way and often allow the fear of the unknown, loss, embarrassment and so on stop you from experiencing the pleasures in life we can still enjoy.
I have laughed today, I have buried myself in work and I have kept myself focused. It took me a while to get going this morning but once we got to getting down to business, my fears and worries were put on the back-burner for a while. Getting the doctors out of the way is also a massive relief too. It has to be done though. We have to keep ourselves monitored and in the best shape possible.
For now, I have to accept, what is meant to be will be. Fate has it all figured out, even when we don't ourselves. We do have to be our own hero's though and the ones around us will also help be our cheerleaders.
Make the most of every moment, cherish it and when we feel rubbish we highlight the positives as much as we can to turn a negative situation into one that is positive as it can be.
Another busy week instore and I can't wait, we thrive on the buzz. Before we know it, we will be on the plane.