The Aftermath Hit.
It is the worst, when we hit that wall where our body's just simply don't want to play ball anymore.
They have allowed you to live a little and now it is payback time. BIG time.
Your lungs throb, your chest is tight, you feel sick beyond words, your ribs ache, soles of your feet burn, head is foggy and pulses. You feel like you have been hit my a bus and then reversed over.
WHY? OH WHY?
You just hate it, because you need to be on it, you have things to do. You want to live life but how can you? You instantly feel unsatisfied and irritated by the situation and the way you are feeling. You can't understand it, you had it under control yesterday and now what? The land slide has begun and my GOD is the whole town is being swept away. Your energy is none existent, your body is exhausted in ways that words can't describe.
People don't see these days because we hide away, isolate ourselves because really we don't and can't do much else. Daily tasks take 1000 x longer and so we find ourselves avoiding them like the plague, whether this is simple tasks like food shopping, writing and so on... our pain and minds are so mentally, emotionally and physically depleted that we feel almost like a vegetable. No use for anything, let alone anyone.
We lose our self of purpose, meaning, fight and worth.
We could have achieved the most successful and productive week but right now, it doesn't seem enough because RIGHT NOW you feel like utter rubbish and what good is that to the world?
Being slow off the mark? Lazy almost as you shuffle around TRYING to be productive but not really producing anything useful.
You look at yourself in the mirror - 24?
Have I done enough with my 24 years? Have they left deep enough footprints? How can DO MORE?
Nothing ever feels enough, I haven't saved, protect enough people yet, I haven't changed the world but time is so precious and short. That is why I hate unproductive days. They are precious time I could have used better. On the other hand, they can't be helped. Our body won't allow us to have it any other way. Fighting the pain, fatigue and symptoms is like climbing mount Everest in the snow and wind - a 10000000 x times tougher and normal, 'good' days are tough as they are already.
The day began -- wishing I was dead, thankfully I have managed to type out a portion of the pain, as proof that I am human and many of you may be able to relate to me in many different ways. I truly hope so.
Emails have been answered and I have made today a little more productive than I first thought it would be when I first managed to get out of bed!!
So I can rest a little better than in today, not all has been lost.
We always doubt ourselves and are quick to call ourselves weak, but my GOD we fight hard and we don't allow this disease to put out the fire that burns deep within. It is hard living with ourselves during these days, not just physically but emotionally because we are faced with the realisation, we are POORLY, we aren't invincible and we do have a lot to deal with. It won't ever be straight forward.
I felt it was important to create this blog today because I have been blessed with a few manic, fun days and although on the surface I seem to have it all together, my illness never allows me to have a day off and it does get angry at me when I push it too much. In the end, I value life, its purpose and the people in it far more than my own pain and that is why we are here, right here now.
Thank you for all your love and support as always and I hope you carry on enjoying my journey and my blog!!
So grateful to you all <3
Lots of love,