The Full Moon Bring Darkness Rather Than Light
The full moon, one of the beauties of the world I used to love looking at and could admire for hours. Now it is the part of the month I dread.
Flare up's and foggy brain is a given and often when we are already exhausted, over whelmed and run down we can't stand the thought of any extras being thrown into the mix. What is more alarming to me during this time, is my mood.
I am not ungrateful and I know how lucky I am to have the support I have and the life I live. During this period of the month I allow negative thoughts to affect me, and for some reason I simply can't shake them off. I bury myself in work and keep busy to soothe my inner pain. Problems that have not bothered me for so long come back to haunt me with no real reason why.
I know my brain is badly affected by the Lyme because of how bad my migraines and brain fog get but I can deal with these. YES, I look half asleep as my eyes are barely open and my brain fog just makes me very clumsy but dark thoughts are literally my WORST nightmare. There is no easy way to shake them off. I always promote positivity and a positive mindset so I feel guilty for being unable to control negative thoughts during this time. My coping mechanism is to 'work through them.' To keep my mind focused and not allowing it to drift into those dark thoughts. Of course, I can't work 24/7 and there do become points in the day where I do break down and I do need a damn good cry.
Crying was always taught to me through my swimming days as a weakness and in many ways this is still a part of my DNA and I find it hard to allow myself to cry and feel 'good' about getting it all out. I have to remember it is a strength to admit that sometimes we are battling an extremely awful disease and we have a right to mourn the sadness that comes along with the daily struggle.
I cry a lot on my own, because I don't want to push my problems onto others who are battling their own fights but sometimes support is needed.
The full moon, feeds my self-doubt, I question everything - my purpose, my work and my life as a whole.
I get angry for feeling the extra pain and being unable to cope with it.
I get angry that nothing is straight forward and I can't escape the pain - I can't run away, I can't sleep it off and I can't pop a pill. That in itself is tough for the mind to accept.
I get angry at why life has dealt me these cards and what sins did I commit to deserve this. This I get angry at myself for feeling this way, because I owe SO much to this disease and my illness - it has helped me gain great strength, find a purpose, find my voice given me adventures I will am truly grateful for and I have met incredible people. I know deep down the moody, emotional, angry person I become isn't me and that is a scary place to be trapped in too. You aren't in control and you lose yourself for a few days.
Often it is best to go quiet, keep within your own company because you don't want to lash out, you don't want to cause upset and sadness by lashing out in anger and emotions that aren't really coming from you.
It is so hard to express and explain, but I know many of you will understand an appreciate where I am coming from.
The full moon, is a beauty that lights up our skies and brings use gorgeous, breath-taking views but its a beauty that haunts me. I guess, I need these times, I need to cry, be angry and face the tougher times head on, so when I feel a little more human, I can be even more grateful and thankful but also positive and proactive.
Helping me to push myself towards my dreams.
I know many of you struggle through this time and I just wanted people to know they aren't alone, it is ok to take a few days to deal with the flare-up's and most importantly it is ok to cry. As long as we refuse to give up even though we want to, then we are doing a fabulous job of coping and fighting back.
Look for love and support that surrounds you.
Finally, I want to finish by saying I will be watching the STAND UP TO CANCER programmes tonight, I love charity shows and campaigns and I truly hope in years to come we will get a Lyme Disease, celebrity and TV campaign to help us raise awareness and funds. How amazing would that be.
TUNE IN, and spread the love.