Bears, Balancing & Acceptance
The run up to Christmas is always pure madness. I love and thrive off being busy, not always in a physical 'active' sense, often more a mental sense. When battling any kind of illness your mind often tries to work against you. So keeping it busy and focused is key to an overall better well-being and frame of mind. Saying that there is always a line, a line so easily crossed.
Being physically 'active' or 'inactive' is easier to define.. our bodies often just reach a point and puts it's foot down to stop us in our tracks. I spend many days where getting dressed is like hiking a mountain, walking around a shop is a total dizzy maze and your body throbs and aches so it's just near impossible to do much.
Your mind is different, it will try to trick you that you can or can't do something. It will feed you ideals or build walls where there shouldn't be them. We all need boundaries and to learn our limits but we must also appreciate that we have to overcome and push ourselves. To become stronger, better ourselves and maybe that is where the real battle begins.
I mean not be hiking mount Everest, or being in the gym 24/7 but I rarely sit still and not be 'on with something.' This may be answering Tweets, emails, Facebook message, my blog posts and so on. I may just be having a coffee and catching up on reality TV but I am not REALLY watching the program. It is just my hour or so to catch up on the little things. I may be inactive but my mind is still working and it is tiring.
You may all know that recently I have been struggling a lot.
For sometime now, my migraines have been getting worse and my mind isn't as sharp as it used to be. I know I hide it quite well, in the sense that, I laugh off mistakes, excuse myself early from events before people start to notice and so on. I have seen over the last year how these symptoms aren't just affecting my physical health but my mental health too. I know so many think, 'You are fine, it's all in your head, you are still sharp. ' But I live with my mind everyday. I know I often struggle to make sense, my eyes look half shut, I stammer and forget words, I can't handle more than two hours on a social event. I hide my flaws by purposely seating myself at the end of the table so I can listen to the conversations and rest when needed rather than having to talk and make conversation with a number of people, where I will easily get confused and mixed up. Making a fool out of myself. I purposely prepare and revise work I need to do because I can't remember, forget words and I don't want to mess up. People won't notice these little things but they are massive to me.
I used to enjoy the shows we do for our park home industry and still do. It is just too much for me now though and that gets to me. I used to do three days and handle it well. Now, every show and conference I have done this year I have had to cut short, do less or have really struggled. I hate this and it is something I am finding very difficult to come to terms with. The Manchester show in January is my favourite show, it is the best show for gaining ideas and inspiration but also it's a good crowd and fun atmosphere. I know with my migraine injections are around the same time and that there ( realistically - which is rare for me to think this way) a big issue with me going this year and a decision I need to think carefully about. I know I am open and honest about my health on here but I am terribly embarrassed and don't want people to see my decline.
After-all I want to be seen as a fun 24 year old people enjoy the company of, not someone who can't make sense of the sentence they have just spoken, can't drink and so on.
Along with the extra brain issues, my stomach and kidney's have been giving me a lot of jip and we will see what / where we will be going forward shortly once my consultant has reviewed my recent test results. But again, these issues have knocked my confidence and have really played a massive part in adding extra pain, frustrates and left me depressed. I truly hope I can get to the bottom of it.
I am TRYING to pace a little more but it is the hardest thing in the world to do given my nature.
I am exhausted in all ways, I can't tell you. But I look back at this year and all that has happened and that has been achieved despite everything, I have to say I am quite proud of myself.
I think being in the Inspire Lancashire magazine with one of my best friends Steph Slater being on he front page, alongside huge celebs and game changer's is just -- well words fail me. Little old Sophie. It is just incredible and out of this world.
I have overcome many fears to be where I am now. I fight my disease head on everyday. I try to work and be friends with my pain. I endeavour to save others from pain and soothe the people who need their hearts warming.
It has become my mission and passion in life.
I will never give up on this.
My 'work' isn't work to me, it is part of my medicine. Often this backfires for my mental health because my work isn't a 9-5pm daily job. I work flexible hours and mainly from home. So that work, life balance is often 'blurry' and when describing my work to people it doesn't always get the best reception. I always endeavour to work harder and do more. Balancing my health with my expectations is HARD. Beyond words hard.
I know many of us who work from home struggle with the 'stigma' that we are always on a break, being lazy and don't really 'work.' When we really do. 'Breaks' don't really exist and there is nowhere to retreat to for that 'break.' You can't help yourself but answer that Tweet or email after telling yourself you are giving yourself that 'hour' of NOTHING.
I am so lucky that I am able to work with amazing people, doing things I LOVE, giving back and healing not only others but myself and making a difference for the better.
I was and maybe still am, Miss Invisible in a room. I am not the most beautiful, most talented or most successful, but I am me and I hope to leave deep footprints and a clear mark on the world.
The Believe-A-Bear Campaign is going great and thank you for all the support so far. Please, PLEASE, get your orders in, over the next coming days to secure your bear for Christmas.
We are working with a deadline to ensure that we can deliver our cherished gifts in time.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. These ideas that Mama and I are always growing and developing would not become a reality or a success without ALL of your support, so thank you so much. We can't wait to get stuck in, next year with lots more fundraising and giving back.
It is a crazy time and very daunting to me. I am so lucky to have so many exciting projects going on, which are keeping me extremely motivated through the emotional, health pain I am going through.
As ever, I am thankful for all my followers, readers, supports and friends. I reached 7K on Instagram this morning which is just out of this world amazing to me. I started the year just hitting 1K and here we are.. almost a year on. With so many blogs, experiences, adventures and memories to add the my journey & my story.
THANK YOU for being such a massive part.