Feeling rotten is hard to cope with especially when you have so many things whirling inside your head. Personally I would just like to thank you for helping me hit 13,000 here on my blog and 7,000 followers on Instagram. It means so much to me to have your support and your love inspires me everyday to keep fighting.
It's a hard time for anyone Christmas but it is always one that causes more flare-up's and coping becomes a lot harder. I admit that recently it has become ever-more difficult to function. Everyday I try to bury myself in work to hard the emotional and physical strains the extra pain is adding to my body. I know people see me, here there and everywhere. When working and campaigning on the frontline I look fine, so why am I complaining I am poorly? Being strong and pushing through always has it's pro's an con's. It will always leave me open to judgements but I have to be strong to inspire others to chase their dreams, be proactive and productive as well as for my own mental health. Lymie's are go-getter's that is what makes us such warriors. We run businesses, have high demanding lives and thrive off success. We are natures at pushing ourselves. So, I know many of you will be able to relate to how I am feeling.
Sometimes I don't even feel fully alive, the pain just seems to take over and leave a mist.. I can't even explain it. I really can't. This time of year is always hard and I dread it -- for the pain mostly. Every year I fear I may not be able to handle it and somehow I always do. Yet I can feel myself now being beaten by it. I have had a 'slower' few days socially and I can feel myself becoming fearful of the out side world. I become far more critical of myself, judging myself more than others probably judge me. I think it is because we don't feel in control of our pain and emotions and so we don't know how to handle them. I am also fearful of saying the wrong thing and hurting someone when I get my words mixed up or losing my trail of thought altogether. All this makes me avoid putting myself in a position these 'risks' may become a reality and that isn't safe either.
What I find hard is knowing I am not normal but wanting nothing more than to be normal. I celebrate uniqueness to soothe my own insecurities even though I know it is the right thing to do, celebrate our differences. I can't explain my pain or express my struggles fully because even I don't understand them, tests come back in some form of foreign language to me and waiting for them to be decoded is like waiting for a magic wand.
I am trying to live appreciate every moment, knowing deep down how precious time is. I do push myself to attend social events and keep that ball rolling so to speak to stop me becoming fearful and hibernating. I don't sit still for longer than an hour, knowing if I do my mental health with waver. Yet physically it may not be doing me any good. There is no right and wrong when it comes to coping. I try to work in the mornings into the early afternoon so I can have my late afternoon, evening free to just de-stress. The mornings are the worst so I have to push myself in order to motivate myself. I know sometimes my actions are wrong and I take the wrong approach but this hell is hard to deal with and any which way, there is always going to be a con that I can't avoid.
For now, this : blogging, running my campaigns, working on projects for 2019 is what is pushing me through. Focusing on soothing hearts, in hope mine can be soothed in the process and looking to 2019 to keep me believing in the future.
Thank you for all the love and support that has been shown towards the BELIEVE-A-BEAR campaign and we are in the final Christmas run up for orders now.
You warm my heart, keep me fighting and inspire me.