Well, the first Monday being 25 and I think it is fair to say I spent all of yesterday catching up and getting 'all my ducks in a row.' I feel more scattered than ever though. There is so much to do and what seems so little time. I enjoyed my mini trip to Alicante - it is a great place and I felt very a home there. It was also nice to come home and spend some chilled out time with my family, just some quality time. Making memories and just taking a moment to all be in one room together.
All in all though, despite feeling sad about leaving 24 behind I am looking positively at 25 and hoping for the best. I have many plans which I hope I can pull off to make this year really shine. Last year taught me that anything is possible and I guess now I am a little bit fearless. I am learning that even if I don't quite know the path I want to walk down there is always someone or a road sign to offer some form of advice and direction. It is tricky with plans -- we have to make them but also they can lead to a roller-coaster of emotions if they are delayed or derailed. I am trying my hardest to keep focused and realistic rather than always having my head in the clouds. Work is good because it gives you focus and motivation when everything else is so noisy and tough. Even on the roughest days I always try to push myself to be proactive and productive. Look on into the future rather than focusing on the pain and discomfort that is plaguing today because it is easy to tell yourself that 'you are stuck this way.' 'The pain won't go.' Which is not just mentally damaging but physically too.
January is a hard time for many and I really am trying to keep my focus and my game. I am trying to focus on making memories and doing things that will stick like glue in our minds, that won't become foggy over time. Often difficult when you feel like you see things and life differently to others but try to always keep a positive spin on things. I tire myself out with my own ideas, work and thoughts. Over-thinking really is a curse and often the pressure that we carry is a load that we could have off-loaded a long time ago. I thought that this year I should try and be more 'laid back' and 'go with the flow.' As there is so much I can't control and change which I would stress about. It is harder said that done, mind. I fret when time is wasted because we can't get it back. I become disappointed when opportunities seem to be missed and panic when I have a list a mile long and feel terrible. Maybe it is worse currently because of my symptoms - I feel more on edge because my symptoms are horrible to put it nicely. They make simple tasks so much more difficult, which is also unpleasant. You wonder how can you pull off all you want to achieve this year but deal with all this nasty health stuff on top. There will always be a way but it is daunting. People expect and you expect yourself to be ok, pull through and get your act together. This pressure I put on myself only mounts up.
My mind is a scattered mess, like all the piles of paper have just been blown into a whirlwind and maybe that is being portrayed in this post.
The bottom line is, we all need dreams to keep us fighting, we all work to keep us focused, we all love to keep us grounded. Trying to find a balance is the hardest thing in the world but something I really want to work at this year. To ensure that although there are many projects to keep ourselves busy that we allow ourselves time for rest, enjoyable and fun periods too. I am lucky that the work I do is enjoyable to me. So it doesn't feel like work. It is however difficult, time-consuming and does take a lot of emotional energy that on some days requires some time out. Time out for me is a very difficult concept. As an hour sat down to me, makes me feel lazy. Time wasting and maybe even brings on self-guilt. We all need rest however, it is just often hard when you know people wonder what you do with your time and how are you 'really working?' They forget that so many of us work around the clock and take odd breaks at odd times. Just because we say we have ended the day at 4pm instead of 5pm it doesn't mean we won't just have a break, dinner and then do an hour or so more.
Erasing and blocking out people's judgements, thoughts and words is extremely difficult when their opinions matter so much to you. You want to make people proud, prove them wrong and also help in anyway possible. You go the extra mile, add the extra touch and time to help them and when that receives criticism or is dismissed it is soul-destroying. I guess it is another part of my mind I need to work on. The one that feeds my soul, has more faith in my work and my heart and follows my instinct. People will always have judgments to make and will add their opinions but I shouldn't allow them to sway me, upset me or control my life.
A busy week lies ahead. A lot of planning and hopefully moving forward. Now I am back home, Christmas is over, the New Year has been chimed in and we have welcome in 25. I need to begin adding my creative flare, in the best way possible. It is time to really buckle down.