Okay Guys - today is totally going to be a quick blog as it will be a manic day for sure. We have our Independence American Party at the holiday park today so it will be GO, GO, GO. I am going to try and video, but we will see how everything pans out.
Today I just wanted to bring up the big question - is having a bad day ok?
Since coming back from America I have found it very hard. I am EXTREMELY tired - our travels were FULL on and we never stopped, we really didn't and of course I was making daily videos whilst I couldn't sleep to you guys through the night so it timed in well with you guys over here too.
With action packed days, road travel, packing - unpacking the car with heavy cases, ice coolers, uploading footage, seeking out FOOD, being under-carb'ed, lack of sleep and stress and anxiety over blips we faced, travel issues and our tasks on the food front on top of being ill off food too. I think when you are in the moment and keeping going - not stopping for a minute, you are ok, you are wrapped up in the adventures and experiences and loving it too much to really notice how tired you are becoming . Though now home and on top of jet lag it has all hit me BIG time. The first few days I was like ahhh I am fine, I wasn't sleeping but I was just truly happy to get back to fresh foods and eating lots, I had SO many ideas for my book, for videos etc and I was pumped up.
Now however I am flagging - my stomach is still not right, and my throat is still bothering me, I can't taste things properly which is so frustrating. I know I promised you guys I would film Matthew and my Thai night last night and I did video it but I was in such a brain fog that the footage I feel is just rubbish - but maybe I will look back at it later with a new set of eyes.
However last night was the time I broke - truly. My laptop has a fault on it, so I can't work properly on my books, make videos or upload my pictures, so I am having to blog on my old one, my bulbs seem to all be going on me - the garage, my hob bulbs, my hob fan decided it wasn't going to work and I managed to smash a glass!! STUPIDLY. I was so mad at myself and I did - I broke down. BIG time.
I was feeling so unwell, and trying to keep going - keep pumped and motivated and I am feeling really under the weather and that's the truth.
Oh course me being me - you all know I suffer BADLY with depression and anxiety, so I am in the kitchen having my silly break down blaming myself for all these silly wrongs that were occurring, Matthew comes in and sits me down explaining we are both tired, he is too, the trip was AMAZINGGGGGGGG and once in a lifetime, we had a ball and would do it again tomorrow or one similar (we have already been planning) but that I need to take a break. That maybe my laptop playing up is a message to chill abit and get me to stop, though it is really annoying me - as no idea what PC world will say and do. I was literally getting myself worked up about silly things about our flight being delayed, blaming myself, blaming myself for picking American Airlines, saying that I was possibly an unlucky charm, as all the restaurants I picked there was an issue, days I pick for events it always rains etc and Matthew was like shut up, you are being silly and started laughing at me - he was like you are just SO SO SO tired and now taking everything to heart, he looked at the broken glass and simply laughed. He was like you just have to laugh. He is right, but right there and then I just needed a cry. I was feeling so ill and just so tired and was having enough of things going wrong. Was simply feeling overwhelmed. So Matthew was like just cry and get it out and then we will move on. We did that on holiday - if we had a blip we assessed if we could change the situation, if we couldn't which most of the time we couldn't we tried to make a positive out of it or simply move on and forget about it. Whilst out there it was easier for me to do this because we always had a new adventure to look forward to or a night out to go and enjoy, but now it is a little harder, because I have surrounded myself with goals and targets. All exciting and I am so motivated but so overwhelming at the same time. Matthew helped me realise that I am not 'a failure' or 'weak' for feeling under the weather right now because he too is still feeling unwell from the food and he is exhausted too. I don't have to be strong all the time, nobody is strong all the time, if I need a break, I need a break it doesn't mean I amslazy ( like I tell my myself) everyone has bad days and struggles from time to time, needing ant taking a time out.
So today will be a challenge for me as I need to be pumped up, but having Matthew there for support and my Mum I know I will be ok and get through.
Though tomorrow or definitely Monday I think I just need atleast a day - a day with nothing planned. I know I say this everyday and then always end up doing something because I feel guilty for doing nothing and I can't sit still but I NEED TO TAKE 5. I still haven't even unpacked properly yet and I simply can't face it. I just need some sleep and some more good food.
So I just wanted to spread the message for people like myself who are always playing the blame game on themselves, triggering self-loathing and guilt, causing us to always feel we have to be strong ALL the time, that we are allowed to have bad days and lazy days! It is allowed, people everywhere have them both - so allow yourself to have one or two - or however more you need.
Rest I have to understand is like healing my body with good food, our bodies need a break too - so listen to them and respond properly. Don't ignore the signs and signals. As you just burn out and end up balling our eyes out in the kitchen and crying at night over the silliest things, nobody wants that. You want happiness and the buzz !!
Shout out to Matthew for always being there and knowing how to deal with all situations and make them better! Couldn't survive without him!!
Our Thai meal was insane by the way and definitively will be eaten again and will be in my next book for all you guys - you will love it!! Matthew gave the dish a 9/10 - because he said nothing is ever 'perfect' which is true and said it gets a 9 because he would have had his butternut squash softer.
So that's a good result I feel.The peanuts and the brown rice with the pineapple is an insane mix, just love it.
Wish the sun out so we could actually look American!!
Love and peace to all. xo