For so long now I have told people 'I just want me back.' That to me meant the teenage girl that was always being told off because she always had the giggles, bubbly, full of life, pain free and well happy. Following the career & hobby I simply adored and all was well in the world.
I fail to recognise that I could never even if I had been totally unaffected by injury or Lyme could I return to that 13 year old girl. None of us have the ability to time travel nor do we have the ability to turn back to clock. So why should I expect affected or not to one day regain that girl.
We all grow, blossom and move on with time and where fate leads us. So holding on to the goal of regaining that girl has come to me as now being a bit foolish of me.
Sometimes I am thankful of being affected in the ways I have been in life. I have been given the chance and opportunities to really learn important life lessons. Ones I would never have learnt nor taught myself otherwise. They have been the building blocks of who I have become.
I talk so much about regaining me back. When yes I want the fun, loving, giggling, happy girl that is still burning within the to return. Though I fail to celebrate the person I am now. Yes I often cry, may not always be with it, tire extremely quickly at events and often seem low. But hell am I stronger.
As a young girl I was constantly told I was was weak. Everything I did was never good enough. Every success was brushed over quickly to focus on the next goal. Never stopping for a moment to enjoy the current & present success.
Maybe this is one of the reasons why I have previously struggled with living in the present moment and why I try to daily practice gratification to ground me a little.
The above is also why I have failed to recognise the challenge I battle everyday, the little steps forward that are successes but they aren't my end goal so I don't celebrate them.
I rave on about positivity. Well realising the woman not a girl, the woman I have become now, the battles I have won, the steps I have taken, the knowledge I have gained and the strength within me that has grown should and deserves to be celebrated.
Everyday I get up and fight.
Everyday I accept any treatment - no matter how intensive.
Everyday even through tears I will smile at you and lend you my heart.
Being infected with Lyme does feel like:
'Lyme and punishment' and as if you are being punished for a crime which you have committed.
In the past I have punished myself. Not purposely but by walking when my body aches, lying about symptoms, smiling when you want to cry. Ignoring issues and pushing through. Causing your body and soul extra pain and setting myself back when I thought and believed I was doing the right thing ( trying to be normal).
Now I must not surrender to Lyme ( we will never give up the fight ).
Though we don't deserve to be punished. I have never been mean spirited, committed a crime or purposely hurt anyone. I have worked hard, been the best person I could possibly be, and always shown kindness. So yes ! My body is aching like crazy, I deserve to rest it. It's not a weakness - but a strength for regnosing this.
I must begin to realise that the woman I have become, is a better, stronger version than the one whom had not been affected by the hardships I have faced over the years. You can't gain that kind of strength, knowledge or life lesson over night. However happiness and giggles come with postive surroundings which I aim everyday to create and surround myself with to heighten these traits.
I have gain such amazing lessons and experiences.
I would never have got so involved with food intolerances if my lovely Lyme hadn't begun taking my nutrients and changing my DNA. Though this is an important and growing issue among society which I am truly, so proud to be involved with and with the work I have produced throughout my journey. Without Lyme I would like many still are have been ignorant to this dangerous epidemic. I would never have met the amazing, inspiring people I have met, helped people, strengthen family and friend relationships or started my blog.
Most importantly -
I am the warrior, hero and woman I am today because of my story & experiences.
Yes. I am not the fun, out-going, happy or heavier woman I feel I should be at 23.
Though never have a surrendered.
I have gone against beliefs, broken habits and adapted so that I can keep battling on. Many would have fallen at the first hurdle. You nor any disease that wishes to take me on can get rid of me that quickly. I will always stay in the game.
I will begin celebrating my successes and the woman I have become.
To appreciate my battles, strength, determination and steps forward.
Today I am thankful for being able to spend my evening with close friends and my one and only soul sister ! Enjoy food, drinks and laughs. Simple moments that are life's greatest gifts.
And I am proud of myself for digging deep writing this blog despite blurred vision and hopefully helping others as well as myself see everything in a positive light.
I am not a happy go lucky girl.
Nor should I wish to be any longer.
I have become intelligent to reality and gained a truck load of strength.
I may have low days. This doesn't make me a weak person. Nor do little blips mean I have failed that is life. The road is bumpy and unpredictable it's how we deal with the hurdles, the storms and bends in the road that counts.
We can see them as lessons or failures.
Suffering from chronic illness does mean I deserve punishment nor am I weak. This challenege and life lesson / path has been gifted to me for a reason. So that I can sit here in front of you today and everyday raising awareness, telling my story, gaining inner strength and learning.
Remind yourself of the true hero you are today and celebrate who you have become.
We need to spend more time doing that.
I love you all so much, you always have me here to talk to. I am always here for you.