The heartbreaking realities.
It's fair to say life right now is really testing me. A month ago when I was spending the week in Hemel lying in my bed tears rolling down my face and praying for relief. I accepted and tried to work with the pain and heightened symptoms, believing that I would now sit in front of you with my vegan pizza and be able to enjoy chips in restaurants. With no problems or atleast major issues. Even if I was just able to have a few or one slice. All that pain to me was worth it.
Life, life - it never goes to plan now does it.
Here I am with heightened pain levels, struggling to get through the day, my immune system panicked and not playing ball with me.
My viruses are being woken up with treatments threatening them, kick starting my immune system. So the wars that are taking place in my body right now will be brutal. Unfortunately it's not just the parasites taking a battering. My body and soul are too.
I have suffered with migraines for almost four years now that was the first major symptom that began plaguing me. I used to travel all the time and plane ✈️ journeys were hellish. You literally felt like your head could explode, ten buses had driven into you and you felt extremely sick panicking about coping with the pain. The only relief knowing that you had a time limit. A time when the pain would ease and improve. Whether it was 3 hours or 9 it was hell and I couldn't have thought of anything worse at the time. At the time.
Now if you told me a few hours of the pain above then it would ease - that would be the dream. As it's not just the plaguing migraines anymore but a number of other dreadful symptoms on top that I suffer with endlessly.
It is the torture chamber you can't escape from. It causes dreadful anxiety over how to cope along with with depression. You are always compromised, having to miss out, skip events, leave early, waste the day on the sofa.
Not having any relief is soul destroying.
You need and want the pain to subside. Yet everything you try doesn't seem to help or in some cases heightens the pain.
You become confused and tense. Always wanting the best but never having a clue what that is.
You know your body is struggling to cope and when you are fighting to keep it going when feeling so rough and your immune system is causing the bacteria & viruses to heightened symptoms as they find themselves under attack. You easily become tearful and depressed questioning what the hell to do for the best.
You try to be positive and keep going but there are days and times you simply just want to cry.
It's all well and good going to university doing hours of study but no textbook nor classroom lessons can teach you these type of life lessons. How to deal & cope with debilitating pain, how to fight to keep living, living with chronic illnesses and how to cherish every moment.
We - me included worry about grades, about educational successes and studying in top schools, universities and colleges. It is amazing if you are aiming for a career that requires the best & you are intelligent. If you aren't however it holds no benefit. Since leaving school I have learnt SO much more than all my time put together in education. I'm not the brightest spark but I have some common sense and a willingness to keep learning about subjects I am passionate about. That's enough. No level of education, no grades, no amount of money, no textbook are going to save me.
As long as I have some sense, keep learning, keep a kind heart and live as much as I can. That is worth 100 A*'s. As my mind is focused on more important issues in life.
Unfortunately it is only on our lowest days filled with immense pain that everything is kicked into touch. The great thing about these days are they make you learn the most important lessons and accept the hardest truths.
Life doesn't flow the way we hope or want.
Fate always has other ideas for you.
We get so wrapped up in what we look like, what career we have, what grades we achieved, how successful we are. We live in the bubble of ignorance. Never fully understanding the importance of the most valuable things around us;
And ultimately life.
Now getting through the day is my A.
If I have inspired someone, educated them with my advice and facts and worked on projects then that equals A** .
I hope to help people and although I would have never wish this torture chamber on anyone or have wanted it for myself and expected to be where I am right now. I have always used my motivation and determination to make the best of the tests and challenges life has thrown at me.
Yes, it hurts that my life is the way it is and that I am unable to live how I dreamed of living.
But I am proud of the work I put in every damn day. Regardless.
I am proud of the research I do endlessly, my books and of course my blog.
The pain I and chronically unwell people go through is enough to make anyone want to throw the towel in and give up. I don't give up though.
Fear - fear, it will haunt you as much as your viruses. That's why we must face our fears head on everyday, to keep fighting, growing and never allowing ourselves to give up.
Almost hitting 5,000 hits is amazing. Just two months ago on my first inpatient visit to Breakspear I was made up about hitting 1000 hits but look where we are now. I am so grateful for all the support you all show me, day in day out! Your comments fill me with motivation and pure joy.
It's been the toughest two months but this blog keeps me going, motivates me to keep fighting, gaining knowledge and helping as many of you as I can.
I hope I truly succeed on that note.
Without your love, kind words and support this blog would not be what it is today. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I may feel like I am dying but I am still here and have so many dreams, goals and projects on the bucket list.
Good and bad days I will always make the best of them, live as much as a I can and make the most out of my life. This is our sanity. We don't bow down and hand these viruses the white flag.
We are stronger.
So I thank you all so, so much and I hope my blog continues to help, advise and entertain you.
Love and peace my beautiful souls.
'Without rain, nothing grows - embrace the storms.'
We don't know what tomorrow will bring so cherish today!