On being home and finally settled, I have kept myself busy. As always. Like I did in hospital I can’t stand not feeling like I have had a productive day of some sorts.
I always have lots of ideas and things I create to keep me productive.
Often leaving me a little stressed.
The last few days have been a rollercoaster.
I was so happy to be home and didn’t think I’d be home for Christmas let alone the Christmas period. So to know I will be around to see friends and family fills me with great joy. I was bombarded with love, support and well wishes which I am so grateful for and have truly warmed my heart. I didn’t think people had really noticed I wasn’t around. So of course it was lovely to be so missed.
I had lots of new commitments in regards to my blog which were very exciting and after truly hitting what was beyond rock bottom and wondering if I would be able to bounce back this time. Somehow in the past I have always fought every war and managed to brush myself down and get back up but this time I really, really doubted myself. I know you all appreciate me being open and honest and that’s the honest truth. I am my own motivation coach at the best of the timed and a number of times a day but when you are starving with no idea when or where you will get food, your pain levels are increasing and you are having worrying symptoms such as oxygen levels dropping and chest pains.
Today.. is Thanksgiving.
Since my first time visiting America every year since I have- for the past four years hosted a get together at my home with American foods and movies.
This year I had accepted that I was most likely going to be in hospital over this day. My nearest and dearest had promised me they would come and visit me on this day.
I am out and around.
Of course I am not at home at the moment but at my Mum and Dad’s so it felt that this year we would put a new twist on normal traditions and go out for food rather than hosting at home. It made things easier.
It was around this time last year when I visited Pizza Hut and was impressed with their new gluten free and vegan pizza and pasta options.
Staff were always willing to show you the allergen list and were open about what is in their food products.
With wheat being one of my intolerances that affects my chest and stomach I have never felt confident ‘risking’ it. Despite my undying love for pizza.
If hospital taught me anything though, ‘I may as well die happy.’
I am dying, as we all are. In different ways, from different illnesses and diseases.
I have felt and seen pain and sadness.
This day is a day placed in the calendar to show thanks, practise gratitude and remembering all the things that surround us and bring us endless joy.
For me, one thing that bring me joy is food. Food. Especially pizza.
So what a day to try and enjoy with my loved ones a gluten free and vegan pizza. Decreasing the symptoms by not having everything I am intolerant too. But having something I love to eat again.
It’s been years!
In fact.. the last time I had a pizza was in New York City in March 2015 at Planet Hollywood in Times Square.
The pizza was super good - of course.
Yet I remember after eating it, it was the night Matthew and I were going up the Empire State Building at night. We had eaten early to then go up and enjoy the views.
I remember standing in the queue, bent over in agony. Not knowing why. I began feeling clammy and panicking that the pain was getting worse in my stomach and I couldn’t sit down.
I lay awake all night with stomach ache and feeling like I wanted to be sick and unfortunately have never had a full pizza since.
My symptoms above were probably a combination of the dairy, wheat and gluten all together. An overload.
So now I am going to try and see how I cope with the wheat and go from there.
I don’t fear the symptoms. Yes it’s scary when you struggle to breeze, get pain.
Every storm passes.
And if I die .. I die with a grin on my face!
We miss out on a lot and I am a big preacher of making the best of everything good and bad.
Pain is the same.. how much happier will I feel having eaten the pizza with my friends ( maybe not the full, all whistles and bells pizza but a bloody good compromise) than just a bowl of veggies and salad.
We can’t get moments, memories and special times back.
Do we want to be looking back on these times with regret and sadness? No.
We want to feel joy.
I am always someone pushing it all that extra mile.
There aren’t any set rules in this game. Especially with Lyme - we all have didn’t co-infections making our symptoms and treatments unique and different.
I will push and break walls down.
I will do that here to.
Yes.. I make mistakes and sometimes knock myself back but I learn and the set backs are just extra ammunition to win the war.
In the end I hope to be remembered as the girl who’s illness didn’t have an offic cure but she cured and dealt with it in her own special way.
I have written my thank you cards and my appreciations.
I am excited for a fabulous night & a good day tomorrow.
Yesterday someone said to me ‘we hope to see a pizza eating Sophie in 2018.’
I must be known as the pizza girl! That’s fine by me.
‘What are your dreams Sophie?’
To eat pizza!
They say you have to chase & fight for your dreams ..
That’s exactly what I do.
I hope I can be an inspiration to you all to do the same.
People, results, feelings will always scream you can’t but use those negative vibes to drive you closer to them.
Thank you everyone for your support.
I am grateful to everyone ..
You help me keep fighting!
A special thanks must go out to,
Alex, Jen, Matthew, Steph, Ellie, Jacob, Adele, Mama, Papa, Extended family & Sophie Kenny for cheering me up on my darkest days.
I love you all.