Chronic illness cuts you up inside and out.
We try to hide our pain the best we can but sometimes it’s just too great to handle.
I spend a lot of time laughing off my inner sadness.
This week all has been too much. You all know how precious my old home was to me. It was a place I had always dreamed of being my first home. A home that would be the start of so many memories. Hopefully see me into marriage and a family starter home.
I was too young for all of that when I first moved in but it was my dream home and I never saw me moving for a long time.
I have come to terms in the past 3 months of detaching myself from the house and seeing it as a business venture rather than a lost a dream. This helped a little because I want to be independently successful in business.
I am so scared that I won’t be able to support myself financially. I know I am not employable because of my ill health. I try so, so hard to take up ventures that may stable me - writing books, modelling and so forth. I save a lot because I know how hard everyday is getting and I don’t want to end up completely broken. A lot of my work comes from my heart. I do it because I fight for change and I am passionate about that. The money is not why I put the hours in that I do. Yet it does worry me that I won’t be able to support my medical bills, ever debilitating health and still be able to enjoy some form of life.
I always wanted to be defined as my own person. As time goes on, that becomes ever more difficult.
I love my brother - support him and so proud of him. But I now have to give him my dream. My home, moving in with his loved one and he gets to live the dream I clung on to so much.
I am a hoarder - I know. The above is why. I have gone through many losses in life. I have lost myself, well and truly and I cling to anything that I feel defines me. Despite my happy ending not working out - I put my life and soul into that house. It was my hide away and the walls tell many secrets of difficult times.
It’s now not a business. It’s a gift and one closer to home than ever. It’s cutting me up. I haven’t been back in weeks, trying to detach myself and now I have to come to terms with it being in front of me - where I will be visiting to see my brother and Jen. I can’t avoid it, I can’t.
My brother lives the life I have tried to create myself.
He comes and goes as he pleases. Travels, goes to fun places, goes on nights out and buy nice clothes. He has a good form of income and he is a hard worker so will always continue to have that strong income and so can be more relaxed about life and money.
He enjoy life we no worries. My dream.
He has the best partner and I am so happy for them but boy at times I envy them and find it difficult coming to terms with myself maybe be never finding that bond.
My castle was demolished and I was left to rebuild the structure, in the deep dark woods.
Like swimming - I wanted to go and watch, I wanted to be there to support. Yet every time I went I would end up in tears in the changing rooms. It wasn’t me in the water. I wasn’t racing. They were. What was I doing? Struggling to stand and laughing about it. Answering why I wasn’t doing more, why wasn’t I still involved in the sport? How was I going to get better?
How do you answer those when you don’t know yourself. It just eats away at you.
London 2012 was hell. I had a really bad year that year. They say 18 is where your life starts. It’s when real pain began. I was being pushed my family to why I couldn’t work a 9-5 job and I was deeply depressed. They saw for themselves my utter despair. I self-punished because I didn’t know why my body was so weak and blamed myself for my weakness.
I watched my friends go off to university and start careers. Where was I ? What was I doing?
My house, the fight my Mum put up for the house and Matthew is what helped me keep fighting that year.
Now the lifesaver is drifting, the currents to strong for me to swim to it ..
I have cried and in time I will have to laugh. That healing process takes time.
It’s being the last push this week. With heightened symptoms I have I feeling crushed. I’ve been unable to be productive and more than ever it’s made me feel like a waste of space.
You question what you can bring to life, how can you survive and how the hell can you define yourself ? Everything you try to keep, gets washed away.
I mean again, it’s good because I am helping others. I love helping others. It’s when it’s so close to your heart and you question would they do the same? I would do anything for my friends and family. I include everyone and in return I get dismissed a lot of time.
My work is seen as silly and worthless because it doesn’t give me a huge paycheck. I will always do the work I do. The future scares the living day lights out of me.
I want to make an impact and leave my footprint but these days you question- can you hack all the extra days and years of suffering for a couple of successes.
I fight and will continue to fight - in time I want to create a dream that nobody can live out for me. I may get to finally live it out.
My friends competed in the Olympics and I am so proud of them.
My brother lives a easy, fun flowing life - I wished I could experience and I’m happy for him.
I have celebrated my dreams through others.
I hope to one day finally I will have my own, where others will celebrate me and envy my success.
My life is the polar opposite to what I had planned. I make the best of it but somedays it just doesn’t feel enough.
I have to use my sadness to drive me not destroy me.
I hope my heart isn’t too injuried by this and next week has to be a week of creating a bucket list and life goals. I can’t let this knock me.
I need to re-aline my mind. Be kinder to myself and keep hope.
Always learning, always fighting.