My life these days seems to be an endless mission of picking up broken glass and trying to piece together the jigsaw, despite missing pieces.
I laugh - and I smile through the pain I really feel.
My blog is my story and it is how I really feel. It helps my own healing as I hope it can also help others relate.
This week has been challenging.
I am not feeling well at all. That in itself is difficult. I am trying to rub salt in open wounds - to face the pain in hope in the long run I will help the wound heal and not scar me.
A lot has become apparent this week — a lot.
It’s been one of the hardest weeks. Not really in a physical sense. I feel so sick I’ve barely being what I would call productive.
Emotionally and mentally I am exhausted though.
I don’t know if it’s the drop in weather or the full moon that has knocked not just me but many off their feet.
We have had to take drastic measures for a number of people we were worried about on the Lyme Discussion Group. Many unable to find a way out, a light and a purpose to live.
We have managed to manage these emotional situtations whilst dealing with our own pain.
I am in the process of accepting my house situation. Letting go and moving on. Putting my feelings aside and just being grateful for the for moment.
The house and my attachment issues has brought to light many other underlying issues that I have tried to dismiss.
My house like my swimming was a dream that ended before the goal was completed.
The end of my swimming career almost destroyed me. I was poorly but I didn’t know why, how or if the pain I was feeling was real. My family tried to encourage me to move on and I tried a physical job, being left to leave due to my health.
Why? I couldn’t answer but my body was battered? Why.
I was lucky at the time I had the support of my still best friend Matthew. When we first reconnected he didn’t understand why I couldn’t do things, why my health was so bad. Practically living with me showed him the truth. He knew my pain was real but we both now didn’t understand it. It was just good to have someone who realised . Realised it wasn’t an excuse and I wasn’t lazy. I worked hard behind closed doors.
Ages 18 and 19 were difficult. School was over, college was another loss and I watched everyone take on life - careers, jobs and homes. All this happened in the year of the Olympics. The year I thought I would shine, instead I was celebrating everyone’s victories and not dealing with my heartache.
I admit to a lot of self punishment through that year.
My home saved me. It gave me purpose and worth when I felt more broken and lost than ever.
I smiled through and many thought, what’s the problem? You have everything.
My health continued to decline with no known reason. I didn’t and couldn’t find a place for myself in life. I couldn’t live as people my age were. My relationship broke down because of my health. Just because I couldn’t live and I didn’t want my most loved not living either. A boring, poorly girl wasn’t or didn’t seem appealing.
I began modelling, which was an amazing experience and I loved it. If it was just me on a job my outlook on the experience would have been difference. Again, I never fit in. I wasn’t the coolest kid on the block. I took work seriously and others just took their looks as a given and thought beauty would buy them any ticket in the life they wanted. I wasn’t so confident. I wasn’t used to self-love. I’d spent most of my life being told I am weak and struggled to find comfort in myself to be confident.
20 came around. I felt lost - I had failed careers and tried to put my heart into the business. As my Dad wanted. I always wanted to make a name for myself and be known for me. But now I was 20. An adult with no excuse that I was a teenage and trying to find my feet. Modelling was on pause. I was being used for little pay back. Because I was the one who followed the rules and so forth, I was the first port of call.
I tried so hard in the business and made many friends, connected with staff and I hope helped. Again my health declined and I was forced to give up the reins.
21. My time to come through. The latter months of being 20 had sparked a new hobby - travel. I began realising how much I enjoyed listening to people, learning ( not in a classroom ) and having memories. I’d wake up every morning feeling like death. I didn’t know if I was dying or not. All doctors told me I was fine. Why didn’t I feel it?
21 was the time I fell in love with america but my health continued to decline. I moved into the family home for extra support and again I was left with feeling rough with no answers. My health declines and so did my outer shell. Where was the strong athlete, model? I was being tested. Tested to use me to engage with people. I’d hidden behind my pain and still do to some extent with smiles and laughter.
22. My family questioned my health. Matthew was still a major support. We were on holiday in Marbella where my brother and Matthew had to leave early due to other commitments. The morning he left he told me he didn’t want to leave me with my parents. He could see and knew the tensions and that secretly I wasn’t strong enough to take on another war and feel like I had lost more in my life. I was never upfront about my symptoms because I didn’t understand them myself. I hide my reactions from my parents and that’s why they couldn’t understand. The night of the day that Matthew left was one of the most heart breaking times. I had lost their support. I’d pushed everyone away to protect them but now reality hit. I couldn’t answer why I couldn’t do things, why I couldn’t eat things - I just knew they caused me pain and physical reactions I tried to ignore and hide.
I was broken. I didn’t know what to do or how to do it.
I isolated myself for a few months. I did the only thing that I always try to do. Create myself. I wrote and published my book and kitted my study out, into a works area.
The study tour and three weeks with my parents left me unable to hide my health issues and they saw for themselves that something wasn’t right and that I wasn’t ‘putting it on’ or in my control to control.
23. Everything was going to be different. We had new health leads and hope that I would finally get better.
Little did I know the pain was not going away.
An incurable disease - is it best to know or not?
My health has been up and down since. I pray for some sun. Some easier times. Yet I seem to be faced with a slap by reality everyday.
And what I went through last year I just can’t seem to find the salt to heal the weeping wound.
24. The upsetting reality of being so far away from where I believed I’d be at this age.
I wanted to be happy, have built a home with someone and be successful in a career.
Life never goes to plan, but I think I’ve had my fair share of heartache.
People may accuse me of being selfish in how I’ve dealt with my hurdles. I never did or dealt with my tasks to cause pain, I did it to protect my loved ones. From the pain that ate away at me.
The struggles I’ve faced and the pain I work with has left me in the pickle I find myself in when trying to heal.
I hoard and cling onto things because I know how unpredictable my health is and how history & my past has shown me I have had to give up my dreams or cause myself sadness and pain so others can find happiness. If I have anything that just brings me a shimmer of light & joy - I can’t part with it.
The reality is no matter how long I hoard things for, in the end they always have to leave, fall apart or become lost.
Having spent my first night in my home, the reality has once again hit. A one man team. I have and continue to fight my battles alone. That’s how I wanted it to be because I didn’t want to hurt others.
This is the life that has led me to. To deal with myself - myself.
I used to love having my own space but now being here .. the quiet reminds me of the quiet I was left with once visiting time was over in the hospital.
I know with time that will hopefully fade away but it’s a scar I thought I’d healed. A scar that I thought didn’t bother me anymore but it does. I thought I was going to die alone, being seen as someone who couldn’t save herself. In a place that was supposed to treat me not hinder my health and cause damage. Through my whole journey I have tried to make myself enough for being me.
That’s a goal that’s a working process.
Healing is an ongoing process - it has no time scale nor a black and white answer. We all deal with own wounds, sadness and failures in our own ways. Nobody’s way is right or wrong.
Would I do things differently? I would have been more open and found the courage to be open rather than isolating myself and wondering what the hell was I going to do. Pushing myself to be normal and hiding my pain. I wouldn’t change protecting people. It kills me, but there for them ! Maybe not me I did the right thing.
I pray for some sunshine. For a week that doesn’t push me to the edge. We pray for better times and hope reality is kind to us.
If nothing else - helping healing others helps us to accept our own healing process.
Feeling sluggish and rubbish when you have woken up? Get boosting up on bananas the more the better - they will help settle your stomach, boosting digestion, they are a mood enhancer, they will give you the energy you need and keep you full. Buy my book for banana receipe ideas.
Wake up every morning and ATLEAST have one glass of lemon water before doing anything else! Ideally try to drink a litre of water. The lemon wakes up your digestive system ready for the day and has great cleansing properties.
Check your dairy and meat intake - dairy can sit in your system for up to seven days unable to digest properly. Meaning other foods also get neglected and nurtients aren't absorbed properly and you feel extremely bloated. Go and smell your food bin, your stomach will be in that state. Rotting foods in your belly - hmm nice.
DO NOT FEAR CARBS - THEY ARE NOT THE ENEMY! CARB UP!!
Bananas, Rice, Potatoes, Leafy Greens, Corn, Beans, Lentils etc PACK THEM IN GO MAD.
NEVER COUNT CALORIES - NEVER RESTRICT!! These restriction 'starvation' diets who tell you to only eat 500 calories a day then have a treat day - where you binge out and eat WAY too much, is simply messing up your metabolism and on your binge days yours body stores all the fat meaning you gain weight because it knows it is going to go back into starvation mode and needs to hold onto every little thing it can. HELLO WEIGHT GAIN.
Life is too short not to live it to the full, making yourself happy.