Life and everything in it never seems easy.
I always tell myself that I want to live with no regrets and live as much as I possibly can.
I have many regrets and I barely live for myself at all.
Mother’s Day has zapped me.
I was looking forward to the day, but showering, getting dressed up and then being social for six hours was a task.
I had moments where I just needed to be quiet to have a quick recharge. Before ‘waking’ up again.
I enjoyed my day but figuring out what I was saying and trying to say was difficult.
My Mum is my hero and I hope she had a Mother’s Day to remember, it will definitely go down in history as one of the best.
I envy my brother and am deeply proud of him. He rocks at his job in the business, is a social butterfly & has an amazing girlfriend. His life isn’t perfect but he gets a lot of joy & satisfaction from it.
Now he is really taking on life and he will only gain strength from it.
I wish him all the luck in the world.
And I hope he continues to live the fast paced life he does. He deserves to.
I feel more a peace about letting go this week. I’ve explained my feelings and with time I’ve be able to accept it.
It is probably the best move for everyone despite feeling so cut up before.
It will be hard when it all plays out at first but if there is one thing I have learnt from my life is we have to adapt. So I will. It may take me sometime and tears but somehow I will find a way to accept.
Why do I, myself live with regret?
It’s kills me everyday that I am so far away from where I had dreamed to be.
And why sometimes I act out in anger or tears. I have to be positive and survive with a body that doesn’t feel my own and the pain.
Sometimes I just can’t be positive.
Over the last few months I can feel my mind being compromised and that scares me.
I’m feeling less confident in myself. Not just my body. I got over that and through that hurdle but relied on my mind to be what people remembered me for. My actions, my conversations- I just don’t know if they are my own.
Maybe now, I only have my heart to rely on. Surely that can’t be compromised but is it enough.
There is a person I fight to be and try to become everyday.
I don’t feel like I am succeeding.
I look to my family members, my Mum, my Dad and Alex who are ac’ing it. Me.. I just don’t know.
I try but my lack of mind and abilities leaves me in an endless state of confusion and paranoia. Always hurting someone or doing wrong. Letting people down and letting myself down.
Maybe I do wrong by pushing myself. I say to myself I need a break but can’t take one. My ever pushing need to find purpose, value and worth. I can’t explain it, yet losing my focused mind is really not helping. I don’t know where to turn, what to do and so forth. The unhappiness and pain is just far too strong for me to cope with these days. The days of simply laughing, hiding behind a mask and lying are gone. I can’t do it anymore.
I try to plan things to motivate myself and that helps but they can’t take the daily exhausting pain and overall unhappiness away. The plans come and go. They are a short term buzz which in these times I take and hold on to. People move on, so does time and the world keeps spinning. The only thing left spinning is my mind. So I try to fill the hole ..
Everyday wasted being unproductive- kills me! How can I keep coping.. how?
I always find a way. At times though you feel so utterly lost. With both legs cut off and been told I must walk 10miles. No clear answers, left in the dark, left with the torture and the problems ( hurdles ) to solve and jump over.
Sometimes I can’t find my legs. A lot of the time I wing a lot of things. In hope, hope I am doing ok in life but knowing I am really not.
Talking to the Lyme admin team today. Everyone is feeling lost. I told them it’s getting harder for me to be positive, harder to keep just surviving let alone taking on life.
They are all in the same boat. All praying that spring will lift the pain and our overall moods.
We pray and hope for better days. Our wishes rarely being granted but somehow making the best of the cards we have been dealt.
Things to look forward to;
- Soccer Aid on Father’s Day weekend. Supporting charities and having fun ( what’s better than that).
- 16 weeks until some sun and our family holiday.
- October - study tour.
The days and trips that make us push through days like these.
Overall goal, help people, feel joy and create memories.
Little stepping stones, small building blocks.