When life is one constant fog.
I went swim training with Papa last night. Not to swim of course but help out. I wasn’t much help when it came down to it though.
My brain was foggy.
I had dreamt how I could inspire and help these swimmers. When it came down to it, I lost all confidence in my ability.
The water I once felt so at home in, seemed to be like another language to me that I couldn’t or could no longer speak or understand.
The world that had been my world was now like a life I was never a part of. I didn’t understand the drills. Forgot the importance of clock watching & was unable to explain and show the swimmers the drills.
I just didn’t know what I was doing.
I was relieved when it was over. The chemicals had begun causing headaches, sore throat and burning feet.
How did my world become so alien to me. It’s upset me and knocked me for sure..
The pool that used to lift me up and was what I lived for has become an alien planet and one that now affects me physically not just emotionally.
I wanted to touch on confidence.
I have lost all confidence in everything over the years.
- swimming and coaching
Etc - the list goes on.
Almost everything. If I am given a task, I panic. Not knowing if my symptoms are going to over ride my skills and talents.
I cook but it’s basic because of my intolerances, because I can’t lift pans and I can’t be on my feet in the kitchen for hours on end.
I cut myself all the time because my fingers go numb and I don’t know where they are on the chopping board. It’s embarrassing, I used to create such amazing dishes and cakes.
Talking.. I try so hard to ‘be down with the kids’, talk about hot topics to keep conversation interesting and fun but often worrying because I can’t remember what I’ve said or know what to say. I stumble on words, use the wrong words etc.
Driving. I am not supposed to drive anyway. But if I ever just drive down a straight road, my heart is racing, getting muddled with all the things you need to be doing: watching your speed, pot holes, other cars, people, checking mirrors. My mind isn’t quick enough anymore.
The reality of knowing how basic tasks are getting harder and now often cause me to avoid them, to avoid embarrassment is just upsetting.
I know I push myself to wear the clothes I want, and face people when I want to crumble.
But there are a lot of confidence issues beyond and underneath the surface.
We all have our weaknesses and avoid situations because of the lack of confidence but over the past few years I have definitely being getting worse. Rarely talking about this issue because I am so embarrassed. I stand so strong and show sometimes fearless confidence but down inside I am really battling this struggle too.
I think this is the time to put my pride to one side and openly say I really am not confident. Many will judge about why I haven’t yet moved into my home. It’s simple, easy to look after yourself. You are 24 you have been doing it for years.
If only it was that simple.
I easily get confused, can’t open draws, lids on tins, drop things, forget things, tire too quickly and miss just knowing I have support there if all gets too much ( that’s an embarrassing fact right there!)
I used to be so strong about being able to deal with my symptoms on my own. I do.. but just having a body close by is like a life line and I can’t explain the relief at times. So simple but so vital. Hospital has scarred me more than I first thought. I did honestly think I was going to die alone and the utter panic and loneliness I felt being in that place has really knocked me. Really knocked me, more than I’d like to admit.
Now many days are a blur.
I try to define myself and find purpose but it’s often extremely difficult. You don’t want to be seen as the poorly bedbound girl. With no goals, no motivation or legacy.
The lack of basic tasks being able to be performed really knocks you back physically and mentally. In your mind you are a superwoman. ‘I may not drive today but I can drive to Liverpool tomorrow.’ But your body knows the above is crazy and dangerous.
Accepting your body’s needs over your mind is also a major challenge. Which I work on everyday.
I am lucky to have a supportive family and friend unit. Who know I struggle but won’t say I am struggling. So they will automatically step in and help. Making it look like they want to do the task or they were doing it anyway.
I doubt sometimes that I can even make a meal. But that is something and part of my day I quite enjoy. Just being in the kitchen and performing an activity that does calm me. So I try to always do that because it helps me overall.
Yes... my life is very exciting.
I wish it was far more adventurous but the reality is - it’s not much fun, I try to make the most of it and make experiences for myself to ‘liven’ things up.
Our Wake Up To Lyme campagin packs have come and I am super excited. They look fabulous. We hope to begin displaying them in our holiday park office to help spread awareness.
Next month is awareness month and so we will be really trying to get the word out and demanding change.
There is no treatment through the NHS for late stage Lyme disease and so paitents are now looking at overseas clinics for help. This isn’t right!
Please - please help in anyway you can.
Head over the Lyme disease UK website and order you campagin pack today!