So, tomorrow is the long day of travelling to see my Professor. It is very much needed, however the travelling is so very tiring and I am already so exhausted and struggling.
I will keep it short and sweet, why? Because frankly I am beyond struggling to function. Truly, my blood pressure is low and I had a pile of emails to get sent this morning.
We all know the feeling - we can't sleep because we feel so unwell and restless at what we have going on in our lives. Every night almost I reach 10pm and it's the time yo just want to escape, the pain levels and irritation is at it's worse and you can't even believe to think about the next day.
The mornings are EVEN worse though. Especially just recently. Maybe my low blood pressure is to blame but MY GOD, it's been SO very tough to get up and out of bed every morning. You don't want to move, everything hurts and you have no energy. I worry and panic about how am I going to get through the day but I always push myself and deep down I know I can always pull myself together and get through anything because I have done this time and time again.
Travelling is not only tiring but our pain levels reach 'boiling point' which in turn leads to emotions and irritation. The side effects often over-rule the underlying, deeper issues of your health. You end up bursting into tears over silly things like having to have tea instead of coffee. It leaves you feeling like an absolute idiot because you can't deal with simple tasks of getting to appointments and travelling.
You begin to question, everything and anything. Your mind wanders, often far away from the core issue that is really causing your emotional and physically pain. You begin looking at yourself. Blaming yourself and feeling guilty for not being NORMAL. It is really important to highlight the blame game we play because it really is soul-destroying and destructive in many ways. We don't need to feel anymore pain than we already do. Yet, we often feel the ones to blame for our weaknesses and declining health and sometimes welcome pain as a punish for things that are really out of our control, yet we believe are in our control.
We can plan to the best of our abilities but we will always face blips out of the blue because we can't control others, the world, time and so on. We aren't directly to blame when these blips happen, we must learn from them and see them as lessons not as failures. Yet, when you are at your wits end it seems obvious to blame yourself. This kind of behaviour only causes further damage emotionally and physically because emotional pain and present itself through physical symptoms too - such as anxiety.
My mood, I admit has been all over in the last few months. When people look at me and say 'Guess what?' or 'You'll never guess what has happened.' OR even, 'I have something to tell you.' The suspense fills me with a huge amount of PANIC. I can't cope with anymore pain, anything extra on the bandwagon - emotionally or physically. I HATE it and often I am close to tears as I try to work out how I am going to cope with the problem I am presented with. Often the information given is barely anything, maybe that someone can't visit or something a long those lines. But in the 30 seconds suspense time that person built up, I have already thought about possible escape routes, bursting into tears or dropping to the floor with the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Don't get me wrong I love a busy work schedule and often create more work for myself. That is because I am so set on making something of my time, my life and myself. Not for my ego, but because helping others and giving back to the world, heals my own pain, the holes in my heart and gives me a purpose to go through that horrendous pain to be brave enough to face in the morning as I pull myself out of bed.
We are quick to make judgements of ourselves. We begin to question, are we doing enough? Are we loveable? Are we fun to be around? When symptoms are flaring, it isn't just your symptoms that heighten, your insecurities and inner critic heightens too. We become blind to successes and achievements. Our weakness and flaws seem to be at the forefront of our thinking minds. This in turn can bring negativity that weighs more than our bodies and heart can carry.
The day becomes all to much as we question our lives, ourselves and our purpose.
During these times it is very difficult to silence the inner critic and the pain that emotionally we harbour inside of us. We look to others and compare ourselves, forgetting all the things that make us great and special. Luckily, having such an amazing support system you can always pick you back up and champion you for your strengths. What we forget that, even though travelling is hard, getting up is hard - we STILL do them, we don't just say NO and don't do them. If we did that and gave up so easily THEN we would have a right to be disappointed and mad at ourselves.
We are all great in our own ways and that is what makes us so unique. There will be people that see your strength as a threat and will try and pull you down by highlighting your weaknesses, there will always be critics and judgements, there will always be some self-doubt and there will be blips and failures. All we can do is be as strong as possible, appreciate our successes, give our whole heart, share love and spread kindness, work hard and be the best person we can possibly be.
We are have to believe that we
are doing a great job, there is always more to learn, more to do and more goals to reach but everyday we move forward in the right direction.
So tomorrow will be a long day, it will be good to check in with my professor and raise some of my recent issues and troubles health wise to him to see what he has to suggest.
I just have to remember to stay level headed and not start becoming emotionally irritated by symptoms flares.
One habit, that is a hard one to crack.