This by no means, is to be seen to be a negative post or one that lacks motivation.
We are all human and our struggles are very real, we aren't immune from sadness or pain in anyway shape or form. We lead our lives in the best way we know how and endeavour to make the most of ourselves and the precious time which we have.
I think its only right to show a vulnerable side, to show that all in all I am very real and although I try to piece myself together, sometimes it just isn't possible.
This post is difficult to put into words in a number of ways. I do not understand my current situation health wise and being in the dark is one of the scariest places in the world to find yourself. The endless wait to find out what is the next step drags as the pain rolls on, only increasing ten fold. You try to keep up your busy life schedule, never allowing your pain to beat you or stop you from living life. It has taken so much from you and you have fought back, tooth and nail. You can't control how your body begins to fail you. You can fight all you can possibly fight but when you can feel yourself slipping into a fog with no signs, directions and become mixed up in the craziness, you begin to become irritable.
Irritability affects your mood and with that it can either go two ways, anger or quiet. I swing between these two ways. I try not to get angry, but it is often hard. You are trying to pave a life for yourself, live and work hard to make a difference in the world. Not wait for a magic spell or the sun to shine. Yet, you are exhausted, in more ways than one. You can't fully explain your exhaustion and no rest-bite really heals or soothes this. Your mind is constantly on the go, you want to keep fighting not just for yourself but for others in the same shoes as you. You want to inspire and be a positive role model, not a negative influence. The fighter warrior that you put out into the world, leaves the world forgetting your circumstance and rather battered body. You try to fit the 'norm' and forget yourself that you are far from normal.
It is good not to allow your health to consume you, stop you from living life, using it as an excuse or allowing it to defeat you. However, the line is so easily crossed. You work over-time, you pack up your schedule and you go beyond what is expected to try and show your strength and worth ethic forgetting that people who matter already understand the work you do and what is being done behind closed doors. They know how strong you are.
You work around the clock, healing others to heal yourself. Hoping that you will leave your mark in some way shape or form on others, so they can't forget you.
You feel invisible and silenced by many, never realising the people that watch from the side-lines or at the back of the room.
Like an artist, often your work isn't appreciated until it is too late from your own generation but the generations to follow take great motivation and inspiration from the work done.
Often you are disillusioned, and disheartened by the battles you may lose or are forced into retreat. Never realising the impact and the mark we still left, only seeing the push back. No failure is ever a failure - only a lesson.
We have to piece ourselves together and aim to build, grow and keep blossoming.
Especially around the festive season, it is a hard time for many. Many feel lost, wrapped up like a gift in stress with an added bow on top and sad. So many are lonely, experiencing flare up's or going through a really tough time.
We are all human, we have to accept that.
Christmas I try to make the best out of it as I possibly can but it is by far the hardest part of the year for me. Not just because of the weather and symptom flare up's, there are many other emotional troubles associated with this time. I appreciate the giving back, the spreading love, kindness and spending precious time with the family. I am so grateful for my wonderful family, who do and have always added the sparkle and magic to Christmas.
At the moment I am in a little bit of a fog. I am busy, and that's great - just how I like but it doesn't mean that I am not battling, upsetting health complications.
I hope to be an inspiration to you all, that we can still make the best of everything, face fears, give back, spread love and work hard with the time we have.
It's not easy, it never will be. I don't expect it to be and never have. We need time to cry and often on our worst days we just can't seem to find the light switch. Our work is our purpose and the love is our medicine. I want to thank you all personally for your support throughout the year with my health, blog, media work, radio, poetry and campaigns. I hope to inspire you all as you inspire me.