All packed up and ready to go..
Alicante is calling and boy am I ready to get away from this cold. It is beyond freezing and my body truly hates. It is far to admit to being reckless over Christmas. Eating the wrong things, causing stress rather than trying to chill, doing too much and it has all got a little too much for me to handle.
I lost my voice the first day of 2019 -- not sure what the universe is trying to tell me but it is back together thank goodness, although it still hurts to speak. My head pressure is making me dizzy and feels like it wants to explode. So I am pleased I have done the 'heavy duty jobs' (the packing) for today.
We all know my stomach has not been my friend, especially recently. So many people, kindly say that I look well, should be doing fine and am handling all my health issues well. It is a massive worry and concern to me about how things aren't improving and if anything are getting worse. I was put on a new course of treatment just before Christmas and although I knew we had a long road of targeting different organs and different stages I did believe and HOPE that I would feel even a little bit better.
I think I allowed it all to get the better of me last night when I just laid in bed and cried. I have managed to pick up this awful cold because my immune system has been tested over Christmas and my stomach discomfort was becoming too much to handle. I love my food and I enjoy eating but it is becoming less fun as the after effects of even eating something I can tolerant brings on discomfort and fullness. I know I am adding to the stress because I want to feel better for Alicante and my birthday week. I have been excited about this trip for weeks now but now it is coming around I want to hold the brakes on time ( which I know I can't do) and feel (as always - on top form) before going. I know I am nearly always worse before big events, trips and so on because organising myself and wanting to feel better adds to the stress and drains my energy.
I guess I fear the future in a health sense. Your stomach is a big part of your body, EATING brings me SO much joy and already losing my favourites really does kill me. I don't want to ever end up just on liquids. I will always remain strong, and publicly I still just about manage to keep it together. I will always bury myself in work because that reminds me of my purpose and gives me a reason to keep fighting. I'm very stubborn and very determined but I am human - things do get to me, and I do feel pain. I am grateful for all that I have, all that I have become and I am not saying that my situation is the end of the world one. I will get over any hurdle placed in front of me and knock down any walls. Deep down I know that but on the surface we all seek a relief. We all want a rest from the pain and for things to be a little more straight forward.
Behind all the pain and this 'blip' I know that there will be a valid reason, a lesson and a way to grow stronger from. Just stuck in the moment it is difficult to keep afloat.
I am so looking forward to some warmer weather, not glorious sun but some WARMTH and a time to regroup. Enjoying my birthday along the way. 25! Where does time go?
This has been a difficult blog to create but I wanted to show that I am human too. People from a chronic illness background may look at me as being stable, coping and managing. Believe you me IT IS FAR FROM easy. I just choose to be positive, get up no matter what, make the most of my days, set goals and paint a smile on. I only hope I can encourage and inspire you all to do the same.
The polls for the Believe-A-Bear campaign were all 100 per cent over the different social media platforms to keep the project going all year around so once we return home mid-Jan we will begin restocking and setting that all back up. EXCITING.
THE COUNTDOWN IS ON -- SATURDAY WILL SOON BE HERE, THE PLANE WILL SOON BE TAKING OFF.