January, January, January.
It’s a month so many of us dread because the manic Christmas period is over and we all begin to feel the winter chill. Spring seems so far away and our symptoms begin to flare up with no real end in sight.
I guess I’ve always tried to be positive about this month I guess solely because it’s my birthday month and I try my best to make the most of this time.
The reality is, like so many our moods and emotions are all over, we are treading water and hoping the sun rises tomorrow.
I don’t feel I have been the most positive person recently and that kills me too. I know we all need our time to re-charge, cry and gain our strength back but somehow every blip seems harder to bounce back from.
I’ve had many health complications over the years and especially the last few months. To many, I am dealing it all and with everything is perfectly well. So what is the problem?
Recently in fact just before Christmas I had some test results come back which weren’t great at all. My whole system is out of whack and my body is incredibly overwhelmed.
Time and time again, I wrote out a blog post, Instagram post and so forth, explaining the results and what it means for the future. Never being able to press publish or post. Why? Because I can’t admit to myself that my body is struggling and I can’t admit openly to others the state of my health and my feeling towards it all.
I kept writing how a break from my work would was needed but then I realised it was the only part of the game that gave me sanity, meaning, a purpose and I can’t be anything but proactive everyday.
I always endeavour and promote positivity and turning every negative into a positive. We all have our own issues, problems and complaints. I had hoped I am seen as a human being enough for people to understand I too have my health issues. I guess being very vulnerable leads me feeling weak.. why am I not coping? Why isn’t anything working?
Maybe I should be used to this game - after all I’ve been in it a decade. Chronic illness is unpredictable and on the surface I have grown to learn how to hide and cover my pain from others and just get on with life. A skill that gets me through most of my days but a skill that can lead people to believe all is well and that maybe you are being dramatic.
I wish it was all a bit of drama. How easy that would make things.
I know treatment wise it’s a long road ahead. Targeting each problematic area in stages. Which is hard to come to terms with when the symptoms are severe.
We carry on through life, trying to make it as normal as possible. Keeping our social life up, work commitments up and schedules busy to drown out the noise coming from the pain. It’s a smoke screen used so you feel like you are still winning the battle against your illness and also proving evidence that you are able to have a life with illness.
When we all stop and life slows down abit. We have those few days where we truly can’t function. Our body’s, mind’s and soul’s are truly drained in every way.
And that’s when you are hit with everything ... how can I go on you think? How can I still look and feel normal?
Our moods drop because reality and pain set in and often become louder than the life noise. We have no energy for life so how can we raise its voice. Sometimes we need a few days and maybe that is the key to being happy and getting ourselves through January. Time to rest. Time to rework ideas for the year. Check in with ourselves and our health.
It’s not a weakness - it’s reality.
As long as we do as much as we can, be as positive as humanly possible and don’t allow the chronic illness noise become to loud and over-shadow our hearts.
We have to learn the art of pacing and also self-love. We have to take care of ourselves because we are the ones living with ourselves.
Our bodies may not be ‘normal’ whatever normal is but if we endeavour to have a kind heart and a strong, positive mindset we can take on any time of year, any blip and any bumps in the road.
January is a time for us to take a minute. We need to sleep, we need to nurse our bodies and just feed our souls what it craves. Personal hobbies, enjoyments and people who add sparkle to our lives.
Accepting and coming to terms with reality is a massive part of this. We can’t use a smoke screen forever because the burn out will be heavily costly.
Be stronger than the weakness you believe it to be.
So moving forward maybe my blogs have been a little bit off, maybe how I feel but I am still here. I guess that’s all that really matters. My goal is to keep taking on my illness and battling it everyday. We rarely get on but we have no real option but to tolerate and accept one another.
Finally .. the winter is super chilly right now pain levels are through the roof and I know I simply froze and broke down when it came to new year and the temperature dropped. Unable to move never mind anything else.
The sun always rises.