Often there are times where there isn’t much to say. Only emotions that seem to take over us. They make us feel numb, our minds are foggy and we don’t know where we find ourselves.
Maybe, we are never meant to be found or discovered. Discovery comes from within, I know. I know we have to learn on the jobs and nobody can really give us a map of directions to follow. There is so secret code to unlock the safe full of treasures and there isn’t a capusule we can store ourselves in as protection from pain. If only.
This time last year I was all over mentally. I was angry, angry at the world that I wasn’t where I had dreamed of being or where I felt I should be at 23 about to turn 24. I wanted to escape my soul, mind and body. Feeling like it was pulling & letting me down. I couldn’t replay time or re-write events. Never again would I relive this period of time and that was truly, truly upsetting to me. The thought of living with the life my life had become felt so I unforfilling to me .
I felt ugly because my body had become something beyond my control.
I felt like a failure because my life hadn’t followed the plan I had set out. I wanted to cling on to being 23 purely because I didn’t want 24 to be defined as 23 had been with sadness, pain, hurt and unforfilment.
I don’t know what was the turning point for me. The fighter deep inside came out and kicked me up the bum. Although 23 was filled with some of the worst memories and times in my life, I realised that despite not always feeling like I was winning. I was. I still woke up, I was still productive and that was when I decided that I had to stop focusing on the what could have been. I had to focus on the positives and what could be.
I may feel ugly and look it but beauty runs further than skin deep. I may not feel beautiful on the outside but on the inside was where I did have control over and that’s what really mattered.
I looked back at my diagnosis and the years that had been wasted living in no man’s land. With no answers, no real direction. I’d been wasting time. I couldn’t change my circumstances, only make best use of the cards I had been dealt. I began learning that an age or a number even if 24 was my lucky number. Doesn’t define the person who I am, my life or my story.
I can’t re-write the past only write the chapters that lay ahead of me. I was determined to fight back, prove people wrong but inspire people too.
My blog, my work ambitions had all been dampened by my own self-doubt. I couldn’t let or allow that to continue because I couldn’t buy time.
All in all... somewhere along the way fate proved to me that is all happens for a reason. I had to have a rubbish year being 23 to make me strong and determined to make 24 extra special. Otherwise who knows where I would be right now without the cruel lessons? My life is worlds away from what I believed it would be. Married and settled. I’ve realised that espeically our 20s are for living, finding our feet in the world. We have the world and ourselves to explore. So I am thankful my plan was derailed.
I’ve met the most wonderful and inspiring people. Travelled and learnt lessons the classroom can’t ever teach you. Learnt the art of gratitude, gained strength and have learnt more about me. I see life in such a different way and with a different outlook now.
I don’t dismiss ideas or dreams - I try to make them happen in any way possible. There are days all is too overwhelming and I do break down, nurse my pain and feel angry at the world but I’ve learnt that during these low points we have to keep a sense of focus on what we can do, what we can achieve and the life we do have.
I think the key was being that I found helping others is the best healer. Just knowing I am helping someone else gives me a dose of medicine that is priceless. I’d spent years thinking about what had happened to me and isolating myself from the world that I realised that coming out, being open, raw and honest. Expressing our weaknesses is a massive strength not a weakness and can do so much good.
It was about planting seeds for the good harvest in the future but also living in the moment with gratitude.
Something fall apart for better things to fall together as Monroe would tell us.
25.. I hope I can make you sparkle & I hope I do you proud.
I will always make the best of my time being in your company 25 and a huge HUGE thanks to 24 for being the best. You were my lucky star after-all. You rebuilt me and rediscovered the girl I had lost, making her into a stronger warrior. I will be forever grateful.