This period is a difficult period for me. When I have just had my head injections for my migraines. I have to cope with a good few weeks in constant pain with them, to then go another week with throbbing and bruising. It makes concentrating and getting ANYTHING done, even harder work. I am struggling with the temperature drop after being away and my immune system seems to be in fighter mode. Everything is coming out and the pain is overwhelming.
I feel at loss, and as if I can't help anyone else when I am battling through so much pain. I don't know what to write or how to really be positive. Being productive is also very difficult. You don't know where or how to really begin because you WANT to be proactive but the pain is too great. You don't even have the concentration levels to just chill out and watch a film. The irritability is the worse, you want to escape your own body and feeling so trapped . You question, if and can you keep plodding on? I feel so weak but I am trying to be strong. After all it is a NEW year and I don't want to be starting off on the wrong footing.
I feel awful and 'lazy' about not writing more, or sooner. I have written out a few posts but I just couldn't press publish. They didn't sit well with me and there has been work that is yet to come to light. I have to keep reminding myself that this pain is a regular upset every 10 weeks. It isn't a reflection on the year or what lies ahead. It will occur, just as the full moon does naturally, and I can't control that. It is often hard to take our heads out of the gloomy cloud when it is pouring with rain and all very misty. We begin to allow pain to taint our memories and define our time. When it is far from the case. It is so difficult and it is something that I have to work on but just allowing ourselves the time to personally recover and recharge is so important. I am so focused on keeping going, being positive to the world and fighting on despite any road blockages. This leads people to think I am ok, coping and nothing seems to be wrong. All seems well. I am not, but I will never will be one to dwell or moan about my health. I am open, I share my symptoms because I want to help people relate but I also try to show how productive and proactive I still am to inspire people. This can sometimes lead me to feel guilty on the days I am not productive. I feel like I am dwelling, moaning and allowing that devil - (pain) to control me. It almost feels like it is winning the battle I have been fighting for so long. It leads to pushing myself, ignoring my screaming body and often dismissing warning signs. The fear of not portraying the 'fighter' image and positive role model is so very real. You want to keep busy, posting and living life because that is the image you want to portray but it isn't always the case and being OK with that fact and also being open about it. It is massive deal.
I spent years, building walls, portraying a happy go-lucky, got it all together young adult because I didn't accept my declining health. I didn't want people to question my strength or believe I was purely lazy, a moaner and a waste of space. When I was finally diagnosed it helped me because more open and honest with the world. I realised there were SO many people like myself who were painting on the brave smile and trying to have it all together. Working, surrounding themselves with material things, travelling and so on to look like their life was normal. So people wouldn't judge and wouldn't question them. My diagnosis helped me show the new health path I was on. I showed the good with the bad, the happy and the sad. I didn't feel bad about being in hospital or spending more hours in bed than I should have done. Overtime though my determined soul began fighting back. The strength I had built up for years was stronger than the pain trying to hold me down. I began building a life around my health and despite it. Once more I portrayed the 'put together' life. My symptoms are manageable people will believe. Don't get me wrong, I am not portraying a false life or one I have exaggerated. I am SO GRATEFUL and BLESSED in life with amazing opportunities, memories, friends and family but I find it difficult on the days when my motivation is low and I am in pain to post and be more open about it all. I don't want people believing I am not coping, all is not well and is my life & work as I say it is? Believe me - it is. I have been on the longest journey of acceptance and learnt how to appreciate life far more. So simple things mean more to me. I do celebrate a lot and am positive people I have re-wired my brain to see it that way.
My silence on here isn't laziness, I am just having to learn that YES I do portray a positive, upbeat life and I AM SO LUCKY to lead the life I do despite my health but I can't force the brave smile or not tell my story actually how is it. I am coping, I am coping in my own way. It may be worlds away from how someone else in my position would cope, but it is the only way I know how to in order to keep my sanity. I refuse to spread negativity and sometimes that means we have to take sometime for ourselves. For now, I am battling through my day and have already done more than I believed I would have been able to achieve. There you go, don't always allow yourself to believe your self doubt. You are stronger than you believe.
NOW. It is time to head to the Chorley FM studio and tackle the day despite everything. Focus on your goals and the good times that lie ahead. Don't allow pain to eat away at you.