The next few days will be testing for sure.
Am I ready for the challenge? I don't think we can ever quite be sure. It is daunting to me, that for sure! I am already so overwhelmed with pain and symptoms that you think, 'How much more can I take?' 'How many times realistically can my body bounce back for me?'
In recent days I am guilty of doubting, doubting everything. I know that this illness really does cloud our visions and often we over-think things way too much. I can't tell you or begin to explain how difficult is it to constantly be living in a torture chamber that doesn't have an escape. I can't just cut part of my body off, leave my head behind and so forth. You ache constantly, your head throbs with every movements, you lose you hearing when you get up, your vision goes blurry, you get full too fast and your throat begins to close like you are being strangled. You wake up in the night in panic as you think you are actually being strangled. You feel like an elephant in sat on your chest and you have bricks holding you down. You want to give up but there is a part of you that wants to fight on and cling to life.
What I am also struggling with is the fact that my brain is making me crave everything I am intolerant too: bread, chips with oil and so on. I feel HORRIBLE after wards and my throat begins to close, rashes dot my legs, I go to bed feeling sick, feel dizzy with every movement and my stomach is in agony. At first I didn't really recognise it, I love the foods above and just thought it was me being me. On further understanding of vagus nerve problems, because the viruses attack the brain, heart and gut. They re-wire the brain to wanting what it needs to survive: carbohydrates, sugar and glucose. Our brains are therefore no longer really our own as our judgements are OFF. We make the choices for the monsters inside of us, only causing more damage to ourselves and putting our health further at risk. In the past, I have managed to be good, ensuring I stick to protein rich foods over carbs and only have the slight blip of naughtiness where I will eat a bit of food I am intolerant too but not all the time. I have noticed over the past few months that my cravings for the wrong foods have heightened to the point I can't dampen them down and zap them away but also the food I used to LOVE and eat everyday I am struggling with broccoli, mushrooms, apples and so on. Foods with good vitamins and minerals to help the body. I am still trying to eat them but it is a struggle. Apples, I have had to swap for melon. Melon being quite refreshing and full of fluid has helped me digest it easier than apples. They were beginning to make me feel very sick and unwell. I did not want to begin hating one of my fave fruits. Veggies have been the same cucumber, tomatoes and veg packing a lot of fluid is helping. But I have only recently noticed this shift and it is the oddest feeling in the world. I know we all have cravings, we all make choices that aren't the best at times but it is one thing to know that your body is under attack from bacteria/viruses, it is another thing knowing it is rewiring you and you worry you are becoming a person you no longer recognise or have control over. At first I thought it can't possibly be true, I can't possibly be losing my mind. I know my migraines have been getting worse and GENERAL functioning is getting harder but I guess you ignore the warning signs and think it is YOU, being YOU. I had a good few months of really going HARD on the carbs when I was out and about and paying for it but being able to somehow revive myself but now it has reached a point where I wasn't bouncing back the same and symptoms as well as my mental health took a nose dive as I had to stop going out. I no longer wanted too, and I physically couldn't.
All in all, we are where we are now. Hoping that treatment may work, we may be able to feel a little more sane, more like Sophie and be able to tackle life again. It isn't that I am ungrateful for my life, everyone in it and everything in but I do question whether I just want to give up or fight on. That is why I push myself to keep focused on projects, the future and so on. So, there IS a purpose there to fight on. No matter what our infected minds may be trying to tell us.
Once again, thank you always for the support, following my story and being there through it all. I am now tiring and I don't want to ramble anymore. I think for me I needed to write out what's been going on, for me to understand it too as well as you all who may question what is actually going on with my health & treatment. It isn't always the easiest the open up and often we stay guarded to protect ourselves. Nobody wants to feel defeated by this disease or as if it is getting the best of them. We are warriors after all.
We shall see what next week brings!