It has been a hot minute.. but I think it is finally time to sit down and scribble down my soul on here.
It is often hard, difficult and upsetting to really 'check in' with ourselves and reflect on everything that goes on.
The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind. Emotionally, physically and with that comes highs and lows. We can paint on the brave face for the world, push our bodies and act like we have it together. People don't realise that we probably only have it 'together' 10 per cent of the time. I am very good at ignoring 'myself'. My emotions and physical pain. I feel them but I choose often not to entertain them through fear mostly. I don't want to sink into the black hole of failure, hurt, pain and guilt. I have been there too many times before and it isn't fun. I try to sugar coat things, I become harder on myself and keep pushing through fear of never being able to bounce back. I watch this disease take, I watch it destroy and I feel it attacking me. There are days I am ok with that. Often, when we love things we have to let them go, often as Monroe said: 'Things have to fall apart, for better things to fall together.' We push ourselves in other areas to over-ride the pain from losses in other areas. We cling to the things we can see are slipping, beyond our control and although we can see them hindering us the fear is far greater and over-rides what we 'should' be doing. We learn on the job, nobody has a textbook to life and especially one when battling a chronic illness.
I am learning that often we have to feel the hurt, cry and wake up rather than silence our emotions to learn, grow and blossom. Sometimes the things we cling on to, aren't serving us, our hindering our health, upsetting us further or draining us. No matter how great the pain, we have to accept things, come to terms with things. Often the hardest thing in the world. It is the black hole and for some time it really is black. Deep down you have to keep faith and hope. You have to serve yourself, you have to live in your body, you have to deal with your mind, you have to feel your own heart beat. What is meant to be will come back and prove to you that it was meant for you. What doesn't, needs time to heal from and should be seen as a lesson, not a failure or a guilt trip.
I am still very guilty of this, seeing letting go, retreating, taking breaks and pacing as weakness, failures and embarrassments. As really they should be seen as strengths. We should see them as great strengths, the fact despite all the fears and anxieties, knowing that a black hole could await us - we jumped and took the plunge. When many would have remained. We ride out the storms and come back stronger, wiser and a little less fearful. The pain never gets easier to heal from, often we never really heal. We just have accept, with acceptance comes peace. The more we resist acceptance, the more torture we are putting ourselves through.
I find often our gut, our hearts and our mind share with us different ideas, different emotions and decoding which one is the one you should follow, the truth isn't always easy. It's true when people stress how important 'working' on yourself really is. It really is and it is something we can never stop. Loving yourself is the hardest thing in the world and add chronic illness into the mix, it is a nightmare. You have zero control over your symptoms, emotions, pain and body 90 per cent of the time. So, how can you fall in love with something that often feel so alien to you? That is something I ask myself everyday, and how I know I have so much more work I need to put in and soul searching to do.
I may seem strong, or I may seem weak to you. Judgements are often so harsh and word spoken never truly leave your mind mailbox. They get red flagged and pop up with alerts regularly. We have to give ourselves credit, for the small victories, the times we fight back, speak out and our honest with ourselves. Being willing to face the darkness to once again, in time return to the light.
My emotions have been ALL over the place. I know I have reacted recklessly, in the past weeks to dampen down the fires blazing around my body. I have pushed myself physically to show that I am still strong and not yet dead. I have pushed myself to be social to prove to myself I can still 'live' and socialise. That people still do want to be around me, regardless. But also prove to myself, I am not the horrible person that my mind tries to often tell me I am. I have cried openly and laughed to prove I am not an ice queen, I do have a range of emotions and feelings and that often we can't hide but people need to see. I have eaten and drank like I shouldn't because I wanted to remind people and myself that the fun, bubbly Sophie is still there somewhere and I still DESERVE to live. I don't promote drinking by any means and really I shouldn't have because I was doing it to try and re-find myself , prove something, fit in and be normal. When I should just ACCEPT, people who matter will 10000 per cent get it. I know I wouldn't be where I am today without the support. From close friends, family and the online community. People who have been with me through all the storms, listen, watch and accept themselves the situation. Then there are the AMAZING people that suffer themselves and go through EXACTLY what you go through pain wise and the emotional trauma. You will always have people who say they understand and really they don't. Because they aren't truly there when you need them most. This causes great pain, but again when have to understand that life is a journey and can't be playing sailing. The battles, the pain, the happiness, the victories, the friendships and love is all part of the package. You can't purchase 'separate' items and pick and mix. Fate decides and we have to be a peace with that. No matter how black the hole may feel right now, and how deep it has been dug. We have to begin building the ladder that in time will be strong enough for us to climb back into the light. We can never see the timescale, we just have to give ourselves time.
My health is a big issue right now and I am SO THANKFUL to all the love and support. I am giving myself time and doing small tasks everyday, trying NOT to overwhelm too much, which is harder that it seems. I want to keep my focus, keep working because that for me gives me purpose and keeps me fighting. A reason to build the ladder and get climbing. I am TRYING not to put too much pressure on myself and let things fall into place naturally, flow and be a little more chilled. AGAIN, BEYOND HARD FOR ME.
We will see how it goes.
I hope you enjoy this, and it helps you too. Often decoding what is in our mind and putting it in words is extremely helpful. I way to be open and off-load. Not harbour and keeping in the negativity that tries so hard to eat away at us.
Please share your own comments, thoughts as I love hearing from you and it is interesting to me to hear how you cope, your experiences and thoughts when it comes to managing your own chronic illness.
As always, thank you.