My mind is a mess. My head is all over, and frankly I really don't have it all together. I know I am my own worst enemy when it comes to stress & overwhelming myself but I feel at a loss. In more ways than one and I have to be open about that.
On the outside it may seem like you are holding it all together, got it all covered and you really don't. It is one thing taking a break and taking a step back when your health needs it. I guess like anything with chronic illness we have to plan, organise and pace our lives around our health.
(Easier said than done).
I tried to plan it all out, that taking the summer would be a massive healer for me. A time needed to enjoy life and just be less work focused. However, it has caused my anxieties to heighten. It really has. I have sat back and realised that I have and continue to pour my heart into projects and ventures but often they fall down around me as I struggle to real break through. Of course, I AM SO THANKFUL for all the support and love and receive daily. It really does keep me fighting, it really does give me a purpose, which I need. It is really affecting my mental health, as you can probably tell having to come to terms with these realities. Not that I would ever change the work I put into helping people - it is my mission and my passion. But people need to realise that I don't make money from the work I do over my blogs, podcasts and social media channels. I try to come up with new ideas and projects to offer the best content I can for you. It doesn't just take 5 minutes of my time, or little energy. It takes a lot of time, A LOT. I am okay with that because it really does keep me fighting ( especially mentally) but the 'critic' and stresser than comes from within to try and build up an audience, community so we can reach & help more people but also my time and effort be recognised is tough. You feel disheartened often by the amount of work we put in and people fail to realise we do it all for FREE. The uplifting comments, hand on my heart is the ONLY thing that keeps me motivated to keep reaching out, keep hope and just keep going on the days I want to give up.
Especially in the last few days I have wanted to give up. I am struggling to keep going both mentally and physically. You can't afford to 'take a break' when your work is online because you need to keep up your presence. Keep up engagement and reach to stay present in people's minds. The sheer stress to make a mark on the world really does cause the world to become overwhelming. I have spent so many days researching, learning, teaching myself on how to make more of a mark, how can I (SOPHIE WARD) help more people and help myself.
I wasn't prepared to give up my own work to just earn a living that I don't have a passion for. With that however I have made it difficult for myself. I have to build things from the ground up. I have to put in time and effort for free and often when we don't see results or big steps forward it is soul-destroying. It isn't about admitting defeat. It is about being open about the blips we go through and the battles we continue to get for a fight. The research and hours put in behind closed doors. Not just the sick girl who is 'lazy'. That judgement HAUNTS me every day. All I ever want from my illness and my life is to have left a mark for the better. Earnt a living off something I ENJOY doing, helping people and something I am truly passionate about. Life is living to work, not working to live. I am lucky, BEYOND lucky that running my podcast, Instagram and blog are what warms my heart. It just frustrates me so much that I am not a pro at social media, writing, photography, editing or marketing. I learn on the job, I make mistakes and I sometimes feel the bottom of the class or pile because I don't have the skills just yet to really ACE this game.
My mission is always to help people, my passion is to fight for people to live and enjoy a better life with the content and work I put in. I just sometimes sit back and kick myself because I feel I let myself down as well as yourselves at times.
I am focusing on learning and educating myself on my skills to try and break through this wall I seem to have come up against . I simply feel in a whirlwind right now and I don't think that is helping. With emotions and physical pain I have blocked out, now coming knocking on my door and it has just overwhelmed me. I know so many of you will be able to relate to the illness/work balance. Keeping yourself afloat and keeping up the work even when you feel extremely poorly.
I hope this helps some of you. I think for myself it another wake up call of how much more work needs to be put into my projects to keep them growing and helping as many people as possible.
We have to keep motivated.