Illness has prevented me from doing a lot this week. I can't let it stop me forever though. I have been harbouring so much & as the days have rolled on and more has come to light I am beginning to realise vital lessons.
We all want answers, gosh we spend nearly our whole lives looking for answers in some shape or form. Why? Mainly I feel I go searching for answers because I simply WANT TO UNDERSTAND. I want to know how to improve, what went wrong, what is the lesson to be learnt here? But answers just like happiness are a journey NOT a destination.
Sometimes we have be exposed to the pain, see the truth and feel the sadness to gain the understanding we need to let go, move on.
Like many of us, I struggle with self-loathing, self-guilt and self-doubt. I always take the blame, even if I haven't done anything remotely wrong, I will still be saying sorry and begging for forgiveness. If I know this why do I still do it? People have allowed me to take the blame, to get themselves off the hook. They can quite happily put blame on to me when I am willing to take it. It has lead to years of being used, taken advantage of, giving WAY too much & frankly leading to unhappiness.
Even when I KNOW the truth about something but to the outside world it is seen differently and I can't find peace within myself. I am always trying to prove something; 'I am strong.' 'I can handle pain.' 'I am not hurt.' 'I am not lazy.' I run myself into the GROUND literally trying to live up to the expectations and judgements I feel people have put on me. The stress, THE STRESS is immense. You begin to judge your own judgements, identity and everything you stand for. You try to be the BEST person you can possibly be but sadly other people who use kindness as a smokescreen have lead people to begin never taking 'real' kindness on face-value. Always judging that it may be false because they have been burnt in the past. I HATE this and because of this I ALWAYS try to see the best in people. Always! This leaves me open and exposed to the 'elements.'
I have spent the past month, in a bit of a cycle of guilt about recent events. I guess I didn't care about the judgements towards me made by outsiders because I knew the truth and people who mattered to me knew the truth but deep down I felt the self-doubt about how I see myself. After all we are our own harshest critic. Am I cruel? Have I GOT EGG ON MY FACE? Have I let myself down and others around me. I think these are the worst feelings in the world. We are already so embarrassed by our health, our lives and feeling a drain/let down to our loved ones. We can't possibly add more load to the already over-flowing carriage.
The truth always comes out in the end, sometimes we just have to keep faith and wait patiently. At first when the truth is exposed. It hurts, it hurts because you gave your all. You were invested. Then you sit back and allow the doubt and guilt to leave you. You didn't have to do anything.. everything, all the doubts in your mind fade. The closure is there. The evidence that you weren't false is there for your eyes to tell your soul. It hurts like HELL, we are all human. But we have to take the peace that we were true to ourselves. Our kindness, our hearts are REAL. We should celebrate that rare trait. We got up and get up every day and we are perfectly imperfect and that is ok. We give it our best shot. We are DYING inside but on the outside we give our lives to empowering and uplifting others. We hide the pain with our mask & although we want nothing more than a partner in life we are fiercely secure with standing alone. We spend our lives in a lonely, black hole. Which is deeply upsetting but like with anything we have to find the silver lining and the feelings of loneliness and isolation has given us the tools to be strong to stand alone & be fierce.
No matter what people say, or often people will try to influence your thoughts that you need them, you can't really stand alone because of X, Y and Z. We believe them, we want nothing more than the support, companionship we have craved for so long. So when they let us down we doubt our 'independence.' Panic takes over, but only for a short while as the time rolls we get stronger, our minds a little less foggy as the clearer picture begins to show, we regain our sense of self and worth. All a lengthy, painful process that we have to go through to understand ourselves as individuals so much more. It doesn't mean I was weak for feeling hurt by having proof in front of my eyes that the truth was really real. It makes me human and is proof to myself that my feelings were true, never false.
Looking on, it has been hard to carry this excess baggage on top of on my poor health already. But you know what? Tears have been shed, hurt and pain beyond measure has been felt, scars have been made and may never fully heal but I DO DESERVE to let go and shed a skin. I stayed and continue to stay strong no matter what. No matter what people try to tell me, I am OK on MY OWN. It isn't a weakness. And someone will surprise me. Despite all the hurt and bad experiences, it is important to keep hope. I have to stop punishing myself, blaming myself. As it is clear that nobody else is feeling the pain I am punishing myself with. I am carrying it all myself.
I am always telling people to live with no regrets. I HAVE MANY. That is the bottom line, there is little real peace in my soul. But I keep learning and storing the lessons I learn to gain strength from them. I am human, I feel pain, I mess up, I make mistakes. But I am me. Sophie Ward. I battle every day, I run my little business without being a pro and without a group team behind me. We all chase perfection and success. I am guilty of always stressing that things and MYSELF aren't perfect but I am learning slowly that maybe it is a strong trait to rock being perfectly imperfect. Never one to follow the crowd maybe I should feel more at peace following this outlook and approach on life.
So looking forward.. my up and coming trip has changed in many ways but the end goal is the same - make memories, embrace and live for Sophie. Living for others, placing our happiness in others, our trust, our time, our loyalties leaves us extremely exposed to unhappiness, high and dry and full of regrets. I may not be able to experience the trip as I have dreamt but I am going to work at being perfectly imperfect and despite what I may feel inside or what people say just know that I am giving life it's best shot & keeping my head held high. My health is dyer, it will be TOUGH, I am barely functioning too, but I can't allow these influences to pull me down. Gratitude really is like a religion and to be brutally honest it is the only thing keeping me fighting at the moment. Reminding ourselves of the good & the positives to sound out the negatives and pain.
To conclude, stay true to you. You know you, better than anyone else. You fight harder, harder than people can imagine and little set backs aren't failures that deserve a train full of guilt and punishments. They are stepping stones.
Being you is enough. The truth always reveals itself & that is what gives us the hope we need to keep growing. To the world I am forever sorry for my sins. I am no angel, and I don't claim to be. I am lucky to have been brought up well, embraced the tests thrown at me and grown instead of crumbled when the darkness flooded my soul.
I am just Sophie - not everyone's cuppa, not perfect and never will be. So the chase has to stop for my own sanity. The guilt has to be released as no matter how much pain I felt, I was right with my gut. I stand by myself and the people who matter do too.