Updated: Jan 12
It's been a while since I wrote, it is a while since I have sat down & have taken a moment to think things through. Having a moment to decode my own thoughts and feelings & write in a way that may help others.
We all know life is a journey, a tough journey but still a journey.
It is a mystery & although we ALL want to have the answers, we have to come to terms with the fact that 99 per cent of the time we DON'T have the answers.
If 2020 taught us anything it was to be present, to be grateful no matter what & cherish the small pleasures & treasures in life.
We build life up to be this grand theater show. That is how the media portrays 'successful.' We are surrounded by what we 'should be doing,' 'should be following', 'could be doing.' We lose ourselves within the madness & the fog. We feel disappointed because we expect MORE & MORE.
2020 was the year for EVERYTHING... The 'get up & go' year to chase your dreams & take on adventures.
Instead it was the year of fear, the year of unknowns, slowing down & inner healing.
Many would say that 2020 was a waste, a disappointment & a let down. Deep down I feel the opposite. Yes, it wasn't the year I had planned. When has any year truly gone to plan.. NEVER. I have been through enough in my life to know this.
I needed to change up my mindset.
It wasn't the year of outward adventures.
It was the year to begin understanding & going back to basics. Understanding the true meaning of life. The true lessons. The real reason we are here.
I have carried huge weights of guilt for many years, MANY years.. Guilt I took blame for that when you look at the bigger picture I shouldn't have been punishing myself for, because I wasn't guilty of them at all. So many of you are the same. I know. I understand. I get it.
It was uncomfortable, it felt & still feels alien in some ways to LET GO. Lose the self punishment mindset & replace that mindset with a far more understanding & caring outlook.
When you let go, the fog & mist that for years has clouded your vision begins to clear. A path begins to clear.
Road signs & directions you have never seen on you map begin to appear & you feel EXCITED not scared to go & investigate them.
You no-longer get PANICKED by not following the path of others, or a path you believed you should be on. You begin to surrender ( which for control-freaks & overthinker's like myself IS TOUGH. ) You feel more confident in your choices as you begin to rediscover yourself. You can clearly look back & see the dead weights & know they are toxic to your journey. You surrender to the universe as you begin to understand what you can & simply can't control. You begin to make peace with what you can't control in order to achieve a better sense of inner peace. As you rightly deserve.
The people in our lives also enable us to let go & begin paving our own path with their love, support, kindness & commitment. It is true what they say that it is so important to surround yourself with the right people.
You grow with them, you learn with them & from them..
Birthday's are so important to me, they have been for so long.
I was guilty of feeling like they needed to be grand.. not because of what you think though. BUT because I just wanted ONE day where I could 'take the day off', have permission to have fun, celebrate myself, do things for me without guilt, silence my brain for a moment & not be in a constant battle with myself. I would cling to this day, I never wanted it to be over. I didn't want the guilt cycle to once again kick start for another 365 days. That would always haunt me. You then have to sit back & think who made this silly rule up for me? Who said that there was only one day you could give yourself a break. Make yourself a priority. I was guilty of making that rule for myself. It is easy to fall into this mindset & cycle when you have past traumas in careers & life. We feel responsible for the traumas so punish ourselves day in, day out for me.
It is easy to stay in this cycle..
And I will hold my hands up that only really yesterday did I have that light bulb moment whereby I could see that growth was happening & I was breaking away from the cycle. What was my light bulb moment?
The moment when even my boyfriend was doubting whether my birthday had been 'perfect.' Knowing the effort, time, planning, care & love he had put into the day to make it as perfect as possible but also the fact that EVERY DAY he would do these things regardless of if it was my birthday or not brought a wave of calm over me. The fun that I had with family, was simple & your 'every day fun, talks, walks & games' .. they don't need to happen on a big day. They can happen everyday.
Our loved ones really do add sparkle to our days. They lift us up. Cheer us on. Celebrate us.
They don't need a date or time.. it comes naturally.
We give out love. Put ourselves out for others & are the first to make people feel like it's their birthday every day so why aren't we more caring & understanding with ourselves too.
In my chapter 27. I want to give up overthinking & worrying and surrender to playing more.
James helps me so much with this mindset. As his mindset to make life your own, feeding your own soul & living for today - being extremely present! Is the complete opposite to the fear, unsafe, clinging onto the past & having it on replay to over-thinking the future mindset I am trying to change.
For this year, 2021 - my word is re-birth.
I know through the tough times last year I really tried to use my time wisely to do plenty of self development work. Which did at times leave me tired, burnt out & feeling uncomfortable. Which is why every day I feel like I have my own personal light bulb moment & I am able to become a better version of myself for it.
We must remember never to guilt trip or punish ourselves for the mistakes or past cycles we may have been stuck in. We are human & we make mistakes. The guilt & punishments we do put on ourselves wear us down & trap us in. None of us want to carry dead weights but often they are second nature to us because we have been carrying them for so long that we don't even see them strapped to our backs anymore. It takes people, events, life moments & experiences for us to see the error of our ways. We then have to take the responsibility of the choice that comes from these light bulb moments. The choice to break the cycle or stay in the cycle.
I hope this post give you food for thought.
January is a depressing month & with everything going on in the world, it's making things even HARDER. I do understand. I wanted to try & encourage you not to stop learning from the tough times, being present in the moment & to release the HARSH pain we wrongly inflict on ourselves.
Thank you for reading, please keep strong & stay safe.