A busy, MANIC few weeks. Non-stop and I am frazzled. Not only have I been a busy-bee with my schedule but I have also being burning the candle at both ends eating everything I shouldn't. I know, I know. I only have myself to blame. My lust for life and living life to the fullest often takes over me. A little more than it perhaps should do.
No matter, the exhaustion, the dizziness and the bubble I am finding myself within now I had had a great time. It has pushed me outside of my comfort zone. I have managed to see friends, make memories & have a great time. I have had little wins when it comes to my anxiety. Travelling alone, looking round sights on my own, catching ubers & taxi's, finding my way around a city. Normally fear would put doubt in my mind that frankly I as incapable of doing all those things myself. I think anyone battling with a chronic illness will agree. We lose confident with the simplest of things very quickly. Our symptoms are unpredictable and unreliable. We may feel great one minute and sick as a dog the next.
I am reaching that point and it has taken a long time whereby I can see fear creeping in and I have to freeze it out. I have to be reasonable and think what will the benefits be of me just feeling a bit anxious for a few minutes. Is it worth allowing your fear keep you caged in for a few minutes of feeling uncomfortable before making memories, meeting new people, having experiences. It is often difficult to do, to talk back to the voice inside of your head and standing up to your self-doubt. It is far from easy and I am not saying you won't make mistakes. You may think you are stronger than you are one day and push to much. We learn and that is key. We don't just sit around for that magic spell to make us confident, silence the self-doubt and begin 'living.'
We are all 'living' but the question is, are we REALLY living? Are we REALLY feeding our souls, chasing our dreams and even setting goals. For so long I have sat back and waited. Waited to 'feel better' tomorrow. Tomorrow isn't a given & that is why you have to push through. Set those goals, challenge your fears and re-gain confidence.
Body confidence, as SO many of us do, struggle a lot with. Especially when health is the reason you have zero control over your body. How can you feel comfortable in your own skin when it is so unpredictable, constantly changing and you feel powerless yet so judged at the same time.
Whilst I was in Alicante you may have seen that I spent the week working solidly on uplifting social media posts about confidence. Confidence and self-development isn't just a one post miracle. It is a struggle and something that needs constant effort, care and attention. For so long, I have felt so upset and angry about the way my health has changed me. In regards to my body, personality and the passions I have in life. I have buried myself in work and helping others cope with the issues that haunt me. To distract myself from really engaging in them myself. One of the travel girls really gave me good advice. She told me that I have to lead by example when it comes to self-development. I can't preach to the masses and not be doing the work myself. She said it isn't selfish to focus on yourself for a short period of time everyday. Sharing your own work and journey along the way to encourage others too. There is zero point waiting, waiting to feel better, your body to have a miracle bounce back. It isn't cruel or selfish to begin living life for you. Not people pleasing or becoming a stuck in a routine of what you 'feel' you need to be doing. We can't buy back time. Inner beauty is what matters the most deep down. With recent events too it has really woken me up as I hope this post will make you all do too. To question where you are in your lives, are you truly living and are truly happy?
If the answer is no, then begin making the change now. Write down everything that does bring you joy, dreams you want to achieve & goals you want to reach. It isn't being selfish about standing up and writing your own story. You shouldn't be allowing anyone to write it for you.
Our walls cage us in and it is easy to blame certain factors that yes, I agree do play a role but silencing them & listening to your soul is what we need to be doing more of. Don't look back with a bucket load of regrets. Look back and laugh at the mistakes, lessons learnt, memories, friends made and experiences you have enjoyed. They are what really count and if you need a little boost of inspiration then keeping a scrapbook or looking back at picture memories is an amazing source of empowerment.
So, do I regret feeling beyond exhausted, eating everything I shouldn't and feeling rotten? NO. I don't. I will recover with time, I got out of my four walls, saw a close friend, explored on my own and ate FOOD I LOVE that brought back memories of running to school breakfast's to fight for the amazing waffles and pancakes from pancake day. All the failed attempts at flipping and never really knowing if you were going to get a good pancake or a burnt one. You miss that kind of fun. For once you don't feel so restricted, so bogged down with health, you feel free. My travel business was the first key to allowing myself to feel free and now it is encouraging me to use more keys in other areas of my life to keep unlocking those doors and using the full force to knock down some walls.
What examples of what I am doing can you take from me to help in your own lives?
* I decided that health wouldn't take another passion from me.
* I would never allow my chronic illness stop me from working. It may not be your average, 'acceptable' 9-5 job but flexible hours and running your own business often means the clock NEVER stops.
* I have committed to plans that have SCARED ME! I have booked for the travel agents Christmas party , in a club in Birmingham! NOW LISTEN, I HAVE NOT BEEN IN A CLUB SINCE I WAS 18 YEARS OLD. 7 YEARS!! So this is a MASSIVE thing for me. On top of that I am meeting new people, which being quite shy is a challenge for me.
* I have accepted opportunities that I know were tasking for me and would have normally just declined without too much thought. I had a FAB time & the buzz from facing the fears and feeling like you are living is worth it all.
* I am looking at 2020 is a brighter light than I was only a 2 months ago.
* I am watching endless YouTube self-development videos to help me get out my own rut.
*Being your own boss and paving your own way is SCARY but I am proud of myself for following my own path and facing those fears.
I think it is far to say and we can all see the full and pure delight I felt being invited to eat pancakes and waffles at Chelsea Creperie. You can follow them on Instagram at @chelseacreperie and PLEASE if you are in London at any point or live close. Please go and check them out. Maybe not be QUITE as greedy as Sophie and order both a pancake and a waffle but there is so much choice and so many extra topping for you to custom your perfect dish. SWEET OR SAVOURY.